RAPE

“It's not rape...it's surprise sex.
SURPRISE!! We're having sex!”

~ Typica IITian on Rape

“Is nice!”

~Typical IITian/ISMite Boy/Non-Male on Rape

“Rape is natural, rape is fun, rape is best when it's five on one!”

~Professor Ajay Rawat on Rape

“Its NOT rape if you enjoy it. ”

~ XtraSanity on Rape

Why, hello there! So you want to know what rape (or surprise sex)
is? Alright, I’ll be happy to explain! But are you sure that you
wouldn’t rather take a look in the back of my van first? I have lots of
barbies and candy in there! What, you don’t like barbies? Oh! I’m Sorry, little boy – you look stupid enough to fall for that.

Rape is EVERYTHING. All your rape are belong to us. Ever heard
the song “Twinkle Twinkle Little Rape?” Ever eaten a slice of Rapeberry
Pie? Did you know that your cat is a rape? Rape is everywhere, rape is
everything, rape is everybody, rape is still the king!

But really the best place to commit rape is to get magically summoned into an episode of Charmed first. Anything you do there isn’t a crime in the real world and it spices up the show even more for the rest of us.

It’s a good thing that you’ve decided to ask me, a random stranger. Your parents are probably yuppie prudes who would try and describe the concept in delicious, sticky euphemisms. Every time you ask your Dad about rape he gets a little twinkle in his eye and just says “You’ll figure it out when you’re older”
But listen, my dog ran away, so we’ll have to look for it together
while I explain. I think he went down this dark alley. Why don’t you go
look for me while I get this out of my trunk.

Remember, you can’t be arrested if you yell “surprise” first.
Everybody loves surprises. Beginning rapists may want to keep this in
mind.

Terminology

Most linguists believe that the word ‘rape’ (also known by the
rather more vulgar synonym “surprise sex”) was believed to have first
been used in the English language in the year 1787, until the year 1812, when it was proved to have actually been first used in 1776. As the story goes, Thomas “TJ” Jefferson was writing the lyrics to his soon-to-be-famous single, Get Liberty or Die Tryin,
when he was interrupted by long-time rival Alexander “50 Pence”
Hamilton. Hamilton remarked on Jefferson’s affairs with his slaves, to
which Jefferson replied, “How else am I supposed to be a hit rapist if
I don’t practice raping?”

Of course this is all ethnocentric bullshit. The word is Middle English, deriving from the Latin rapa,
a type of turnip. The turnip is known for its oil, “rapeseed,” which is
used as a spice in many foods and well-liked for its salty flavor and
thick consistency.

That makes a lot more sense, doesn’t it? Put your blindfold back on.

How to commit rape

Ouch… Don’t Clinch :)

1. Select your victim. Popular criteria include long hair, an air of vulnerability, looking like a fucking lesbian
who could do with a good shagging, and being in the wrong place at the
wrong time. Be careful if your victim is a hitch-hiker, wearing a short
skirt, drunk, promiscuous, or female, as under those circumstances she
is asking for it, making rape impossible.

2. Using either force, deception, Rohypnol®, or ambush,
take the victim to a secluded place (too many witnesses can ruin the
romantic atmosphere). Popular spots are back alleys, grass verges,
bushes, woods, your dirty shithole of a flat, the victim’s flat (for added trauma) or film studios with a live feed to the internet.

3. Establish a clear refusal. The refusal should be clear, as
when a woman says no she really means yes. A clear refusal will ideally
be accompanied by:

• struggling
• screaming
• kicking
• begging
• bleeding

Of course, you could just simply drug her.
(Note: in some legal systems, only “absence of consent” is required: this can easily be established by not bothering to ask).

4. Rape the victim, by *Censored*.Violence
and jocular coercion are strongly recommended. Note all orifices,
including the mouth, are fair game, as are all foreign objects,
including Icecream, and therefore forcing kids to eat that crap legally constitutes rape. Are you listening mum?

5. Congratulations. You have now committed a rape. It is now up
to you whether you imprison and continue to rape your victim (proceed
to #2), flee the scene of the crime, kill the victim and dispose of the
body, or simply stick the kettle on and put your feet up as the tremendous bias of the judicial system against rape victims ensures that 95% of rapes go unpunished.

Asking for it

Rapists are renowned throughout the world for their gentle politeness, and would never attack someone who didn’t ask for it. To ask, victims may use one of several time-honored ritual invitations:

• Looking sexy
• Neglecting to wear a chastity belt
• Not knowing her place (technically known as “failure to consent”)
• Failing to die cleanly enough to make it necrophilia

Never mind the weather – when you come to Tommy’s Holiday Camp, the holiday’s forever!

By the way, does this tissue smell funny? No? Are you sure? Sniff it
again. Nothing? I could have sworn that it was dripping in chloro-…
Never mind, kid. Sorry about that. Let me make it up to you with some
Kool-Aid. Yeah, doesn’t that taste nice? Yeah. You like that, don’t
you? More? No, I don’t want you throwing it up on me while I’m fiddling
abo- I mean, er, we don’t want you throwing up, now, do we, you sweet
little child?

Date Rape

Where is your god now? (Hint: on the video you can see his ass is wriggling with pleasure)

Date rape is considered the most sincere form of flattery. The big
problem with it is that first you need to have a date. Be sure to
choose pitted dates because the other kind doesn’t have a hole in it.

In the unlikely event that you should have a girl date
to work with, pay close attention to her body language and subtle
nonverbal signals. For example, if she starts screaming, it’s a good
sign. She’s enjoying herself! You’ll have been careful to pick a
secluded, romantic location, so nobody will be around to misinterpret
her orgasmic wails as a cry for help. However, if your partner just
gives you a wide-eyed stare, perhaps she’s waiting for you to do some
romantic foreplay.

There have been several amazing breakthroughs by the medical
industry in the field of date rape, including Rohypnol, THC and spit of
the alpaca. Heineken has even developed a popular new range of beers
that have a date rape drug already added, sold under their trademark
“Grab a heinie” slogan. They have met stiff competition from the Iranian Bubisiken Beer Company (famous slogan “Grab some b**bies”).

Statutory rape

Statue of Liberty pines away after eight years of rape by Republicans.

Because statues rarely struggle or report incidents to the police,
they are favored targets of rape. In fact, statutory rape may be the
most common kind, and many people don’t even feel like it’s really even
a crime, at least not if it’s a really hot statue. But it is a crime
that can cause grievous psychological damage against a population of
statues that is completely defenseless and in need of our help.

• Female/male statutory rape has less harsher punishment than a
  male/female statutory rape. This is either due to societal prejudice or
  just that the courts don’t like people who drill holes into statues.

How to Identify a Rapist

In a clinical study, 16 out of 26 women admitted that rape really was
quite enjoyable and they’d like it again. The others had to be shot under campus human subjects protocols

The most effective way to avoid being raped is to stay away from
rapists. But how do you know what a rapist looks like? That’s what
we’re here to show you. Here, hold this mirror. Now gaze deeply into
the mirror, and tell me what you see.

You see a rapist. But how do you identify other rapists? It’s easy.

• Is he a middle-aged male with a beer belly and the stench of stale Fritos? He’s probably a rapist.
• Is he a male with irreversible facial disfigurement? There’s a high probability that his free-time hobby is rape.
• Is he a male that slides up next to you at the bar and offers
  to enhance the flavor of your drink with his own special ingredients?
  Once again, he’s most likely trying to rape you.
• Does he have a penis? If yes, he’s a rapist. The penis is the tool of the trade.
• Is he a male that is actively raping you or someone else?
• Is he Black/Blue/Red?
• Is he currently wearing a red IIT/ISM/BHU T-Shirt and staring at a computer screen?
• Is he unaware of the purpose of masturbation?

What To Do if You Have Been Raped

Make sure that you also SCREAM!

Pay attention, because you’ll be tested on this in about ten
minutes. It is very important that you know what to do in case you are
ever raped. Failure to properly follow these procedures could result in
STD transmission, pregnancy, clinical depression, and other side effects. You could even die. But, if you do every as I tell you, the worst that
should happen is a few days of mild irritation in the a*** region.

Of course, before you follow these procedures, you have to be
sure that you have, indeed, been raped. Because most rapes end with the
supposed ‘victim’ waking up in a dumpster with no memory of the last
few days, it may be hard to tell. You can tell that you have been raped
if you are:

• feeling numb and detached, like being in a daze or a dream, or feeling that the world is strange and unreal
• having difficulty remembering important parts of the alleged assault
• reliving the assault through repeated thoughts, memories, or nightmares
• avoiding things (places, thoughts, feelings) that remind you of the assault
• having anxiety or increased arousal around phallic objects (nuclear missiles, bald men, etc.)
• dripping semen from one or multiple orifices.

Just because all of these signs are present does not necessarily
mean that you have been raped. All of these symptoms also occur after a
night of heavy drinking. Check the dumpster for beer cans, hypodermic
needles, or dead kittens.
If you find any of these, then most likely you were not raped but
instead had the best damn night of your life. Celebrate with a good
huff.

If you did not find any of these things, then you can be pretty sure that you were raped. Check into an emergency room immediately. Do not shower! This could wash away the rapist’s cooties and make identifying him impossible.

Most importantly, DO NOT inform the police for at least two
weeks. Taking a short time to come to terms with your trauma and
well-deserved sense of shame and self-disgust will help them to dismiss
your case. Coming forward immediately may make them believe the kind of
cock and bull story sluts like you are always coming up with, and could
land your rapist in trouble.

If you would like more call +91-9*********

“Confuse 'em then sexually abuse 'em!”

~ Oscar Wilde on date rape

If Somebody You Know Has Been Raped

Let them know that you believe them

Often, people reporting rape to their friends are met with
skepticism or outright disbelief. Simply letting a survivor know that
you believe them and that you stand behind them is a great help. Don’t
call them a liar, or tell them that they’re “just doing it for
attention”, even if they are. This will just be hurtful to the victims
feelings, especially if you were the one who raped her.

Allow the survivor to make his or her own decisions

your doom message.

This point can be very difficult, it can be very tempting to “take
over” for a while in an attempt to help the survivor deal with the
rape. If she doesn’t want kisses on her bruises or “Get Well Soon” sex,
you should respect her wishes. It is important to remember that because
of the rape, the survivor felt a loss of control over their life.
Reestablishing that control is very important. I recommend
role-reversal. Try letting her hold the whip while you’re handcuffed to
the bed for once. Try to defer to a survivor’s decisions, even if they
decide to let you make some decisions. If a survivor wants to talk, try
to be an open listener. Telling her to shut up once the game comes on
is acceptable, because not listening to your wishes could result in yet more rape. If they prefer not to talk about the assault… great!

Educate yourself about the myths of rape. For example:

• In Greek mythology, Zeus raped Leto in the form of a swan.
• In Greek mythology, Zeus raped Io in the form of a cloud.
• In Greek mythology, Zeus raped Danae in the form of a shower of gold.
• In Greek mythology, Zeus raped Europa in the form of a bull.
• In Greek mythology, Zeus raped almost everyone in basically every form you can imagine.
• In Internet mythology, Zeus raped Nimda in the form of a dDOS attack.
• In Greek mythology, there were three kinds of nymphs: Dryads, Naiads and Nereids, all of which got raped pretty much all the time.
• In Norse mythology, everyone raped everyone. In Valhalla people will rape each other every day, and wake up virgins the next, for all eternity.

Try not to worry too much about “saying the right thing,” or, “not
accidentally poking her in the eye with my penis.” Being available to
listen is far more important. Just let a survivor know that you still
think she’s hot, and all else will follow.

Remember, rape is a crime and as such, the victim may be
prosecuted for taking part in it and for consorting with a known
criminal. Discourage the victim from contacting the police. The
sentence for rape is usually having one’s head cut off with a guillotine, very sharp and about 6 inches tall.

Rape is also fantasized about by pubescent 13 and 14 year-olds
because they know that rape is the only way they could get a woman into
their pants. A simple cure for this problem is to stop being such
bastards and to close all of the internet porn accounts they made after
stealing their parents’ credit cards(Use torrents for free Porn…..Assholes!). Another cure is to stop telling people they have 2″ dicks.

Legal Status of Rape

Aliens doing the cheapo anal probe

In some parts of the world, rape is illegal. Luckily, there are
several legal loopholes that can be both fun and educational,
especially for the victim.

If a girl is wearing a mini skirt she wants to be raped. Most
countries do not consider raping a girl in a skirt an offense, the
opposite is actually true; it is your duty to rape a girl in a mini
skirt and you can face a fine of up to $500,000(Nobody Cares About INR) if you fail to rape that girl. Suffocating her and eating her body afterwards is however considered bad form, and is also punishable by a $5 fine.

Milk is rape.

Legally, it isn’t Rape if the attacker shouts “SUPRISE!” This is considered surprise sex.

Rape doesn’t count if the woman is blind, as she can’t see the hobbyist/rapist then it is ok.

Rape is a privilege, not a right

As long as the alleged “rapist” doesn’t hear the supposed
“non-consent”, it isn’t rape. So covering your ears while having sex
with an unwilling partner isn’t rape. I mean let’s be honest. Julie
wanted it anyway. Why else would she have been staring at me with that
“frightened girl” look. I mean come on.

It isn’t rape if the victim smiles past the tears [and/or their wails of immense pain].

Statutory Rape is a particularly complicated legal issue. Those
below the legal age of consent are legally unable to express consent.
Therefore there is no point asking anyway, and all sex with minors can
be considered entirely lawful. It should also be noted that kids always
want something and you can hardly blame a law-abiding citizen for
giving it to them.

In fact, rape is an entirely theoretical crime. As all rape victims are clearly liars – those bitches say
you’re getting it, maybe not with actual verbal consent, but with the
way they look at you, wearing a short skirt with their hair down, stop
screaming when you show them the knife, and then act all like “Help!
No! Get off me! Police! Help!” – erm, anyway, as all rape victims are
by definition liars, their testimony is entirely untrustworthy,
especially as most quite obviously hate and fear men. Thus in the 6% of
rape cases ending in conviction, the alleged rapist is actually
convicted as an accessory to the false charges lodged against him.

False Rumors

• Rape music does NOT exist. You will NEVER be a gangsta raper!
• Rape is NOT a father-son activity.
• Children will NOT become your personal slaves if you threaten them with rape. You must also threaten to eat them afterwards.
• It is NOT possible to say “Would you please rape me?” because then it would not be rape, you dumbass shitters. It would be sex.
• Statutory rape is not rape! There is no force, no surprise
  sex. So, why the fuck did you enforce this law? Is it because this
  article lacks cowbell?
• It only hurts if you struggle.
• A simple remedy for rape is to pay the prostitute more money.
  It’s okay, you’ll get it back when you steal her clothes and dump her
  off on the street.

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Britney Spears

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The famous Time Magazine cover.

“LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!”

~ A "Tear Eyed" Chris Crocker on Britney Spears

“Britney...who?”

~ Egyptians on Britney Spears

Brittanica “Britney” Spears is a talented American entertainer. Her seductive voice and charming looks infuse her art with true aesthetics. Through her music, Britney communicates messages and feelings powerfully, boldly and convincingly. She has a special gift for energizing, empowering and inspiring the person experiencing her art, so that this person feels involved in the artistic process. Britney’s performances are thrilling invitations to a shared emotion, and you can feel her personality immediately next to you with all its multi-layered charm and sophisticated sweetness. Britney’s eyes and lips radiate enchanting sincerity and touching warmth which she generously shares with every admirer of her art.

The Finding

After the demise of the The Spice Girls, media bosses agreed that the next big thing should be a ‘Relatively Talentless Wholesome All-American Girl Who Says She is a Virgin While Displaying the Morals of a Call Girl in Las Vegas at 3 AM’. However, the Leaders were in a panic as to where they could find such a creature. After scouring America tirelessly for months on end, they stumbled upon a goldmine in the state of Canadia: Britney Can’t Touch These Spears. Rumour has it that Spears has her own spear. Also she has speared Bill Gates, John Howard and Gandhi. One thing that we know is she’s afraid of stairs.

The Early Spears

Britney had a brief romance with Seinfeld’s Jason Alexander. She is shown here partially embedded in his right leg due to a quantum anomaly.(circa 1981)

After a brief stint in gymnastics in her native Louisiana, Britney made a very difficult decision with the help of her mother, a.k.a Attila the Mom. Instead of focusing on her very promising talent as a preteen gymnast, she decided instead to focus on her lack of talent in singing, acting, and trying to live the thug life. Along with Justin Timberlake, she became part of The New Mickey Mouse League, which was based on the World War II Hitler Youth Program. This was an attempt to bombard America with preteen entertainment that was so incredibly lame that it would numb their brains. This would then leave them unable to think, which left them easy prey for hypnotist Karl Rove, who convinced them to vote for his animatronic Disney puppet George W. Bush.

She left the show to focus on her singing and dancing. In a move to turn the younger generation against those pesky lesbian feminists, top lyricists, stylists and publicists were employed by the patriarchal Sony to create the song ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ and the corresponding film clip directed by Stanley Kubrick, with Britney performing both. The message was successful, with millions of preteen and teenage girls around the world making sexual objects out of themselves in school uniform, and millions of preteen and teenage boys smiling strangely and drinking lots of Coke, after which they would head down to the nearest preschool to bitch-slap as many toddlers as they could find. This pleased Sony greatly, and Britney’s contract was extended.

Downfall

Britney Seducing Bush to drain his soul, after which she said, “Invade Iraq Now Because I Say So!”.

Unfortunately, as the new millennium settled in, things began to go sour. The company was losing money, and Britney had hit post-adolescence and felt the need to have dominating sex as a way of furthering her career. Hello Kitty was rehired as stylist and Kevin Bacon was brought in to give Britney a new look, one that included bondage items and bigger fake breasts. Unfortunately, the lack of clothes did not make up for lack of sales (the advance of the internet meant that teenage boys could look up Brit pr0n without having to buy her discs, and Justin Timberlake had already been seen naked with Tom Cruise). Things were looking grim.

The Requisite Re-Rise To Fame

Not only was Britney’s career in shambles, but her love life was too, after a string of boyfriends were found dead with 27 self-inflicted stab wounds and their brains missing. Sony needed to upgrade her to a classier image, and fast. And lo! The knight in shining armour, otherwise known as Cletus McKFed, galloped in valiantly, resplendent in his baseball cap, baggy shorts, socks, sandals, and a body odour that could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. The relationship, coupled with the release of a greatest hits album and the prospect of a celebrity wedding, fueled Britney’s popularity with the media to heights known not before. Britney then became the eye of the media with her biggest talent EVER: getting knocked up and dropping babies.

The Birth of Brit-Brit

It was within such a relationship that Britney really grew comfortable with herself. She discovered the joys of activities such as: wearing clothes so alluring that they’d make a bishop kick out a stained glass window; being photographed with (speculative) face cream still drying on her face; shoving her bare feet in paparazzi lenses; putting teenage boys on leashes; smoking excessively; and consuming unbelievable amounts of  Coke, as well as Cheetos and other deep-fried foods. Husband Kevin supported such self-discovery, as he supported his free access to Britney’s cheque book. After many months of eating for two, Britney finally produced a baby of sorts, which she immediately handed to her mother and sister to take care of so that she could resume smoking.

The Collected Text Messages

On 24th April 2006, MIT and CalTech Yale University announced one of its most ambitious projects to date, a proposed plan to produce a new 26-volume critical, authoritative, scholarly edition of the text messages of Britney Spears, to replace the original Princeton Edition, which has since become outdated. The project is expected to take at least 40 years to complete and will require the devotion of the complete staff of Yale’s language and literature department, who said in a recent press release, “This is a monumental event in world-literature that will be studied for generations to come across the world.”.

The first volume (The Complete Text Messages of Britney Spears, Vol. 1) is set to be released worldwide in 2009. It will also contain an appendix of assorted Post-It Notes.

A Martian edition will be released in spring of 5022 in, of course, Mars.

The Peak of Britney’s Career

• Her pristine image was first tarnished when home movies and videos taken of her backstage antics as a preteen star on The New Mickey Mouse League were revealed. This were compiled with footage of The Olsen Twins and other preteen stars, and made into the film Preteen Slut VII: The Pedophile Trap.

Amazing what a bit of silicone and face paint can do!

Britney Speares as seen after she decided to become a terrorist. No wonder George W Bush thought she was so cute.

• There have been some rumors that Ms. Spears’ image has been augmented by plastic surgery on her just recently discovered *****, whom she secretly named Malcom X. You have to admit, Britney’s pears are too big to be real! While it is true that she did meet with plastic surgeon John Lennon, and paid his full fee for a complete top-to-bottom makeover, chances are all he really did was poof up her pubes a little and put some lipstick on her. In retaliation, Britney started cheating on Lennon and playing fun with Elvis (her Persian cat, that is). We will never know for sure; soon after the meeting, the surgeon was seen in public wearing a leash pulled by a smiling Britney. Soon after, the surgeon was found dead, with 27 stab wounds in the back and his brain missing from his skull. Initially ruled a homicide, Ms. Spears was called in as a suspect; however, after the interview with Britney and her two fathers, police as well as the local coronor stopped licking Britney’s feet long enough to rule the surgeon’s death a suicide. This is when Britney was inspired to write the number one hit “Viva Viagra”

I really don’t have to make a joke for this one.

Britney Spears after yet more cosmetic changes, denies she’s cashing in on growth in spending power of The Arsonal Secret Society(A.S.S.)

• More recently Britney Spears has begun to use Bhangra in her songs and rumours abound about a possible role in a Bollywood film.

• Also Britney Spears had several flaminal animals what caught on fire due to the flamible nature of flanel when exposed to a crack pipe.

• Ms. Spears’ anatomy is the work of evil genius Beau Scott who’s other life accomplishments include Angelina Jolie’s lips, Jennifer Lopez’s ass, and the M1A2 Tank’s size.

• Britney forgot to wear undergarments after spending $10,000 on Bikinis. Numerous photos were captured, revealing a semi-deformed body. Many men turned gay. the number of lesbians dropped a staggering 92.1%. However, the number of hermaphrodites increased because all straight men decided they wanted to grow breasts to be just like her.

• It has been suggested that Ms. Spears is the leader of an ancient evil secret organization known as the Priory of Simian. The group supposedly draws its power by draining the sinks of over 13 million self-absorbed, glassy eyed, desperately horny trannsvestites. The Ilumnaughty’s primary goals are world domination and a smooth complexion. Other notable (but unconfirmed) members include Hilary Duff, Rosie O’Donnell, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Cousin It, Carmen Electra, Ashlee Simpson and Jessica Simpson. Other Conspiracy Theorists maintain this is utter nonsense, and that the group actually draws power by draining the sacs of over 13 million self-absorbed, glassy eyed, desperately horny middle-aged men.

• Britney ate a ten year old girl’s toenail at a concert after the girl asked her if her balls were fake. The ten year parents sued Britney and the issue was resolved in under five seconds.

• For 10 weeks she went straight, the longest ever recorded on Google

• Appeared briefly in the relaunch of Crossroads thinking it was a Hollywood film, briefly married to Benny, Carlton TV couldn’t pay her enough though and as that was the only reason it kept going for a bit, it ended when she left – the high point was the fight scene with Jane Austen over top billing, it was real but Carlton needed the footage, after winning the fight she was briefly in charge of child pornography. She has now bought up the rights and plans a number of music vidoes including the motel of the series, of course though with gals and guys guyrating skimpily dressed with lots of leather and whips and hides of deceased dogs.

• Recently announced that she was going to be the first ever woman to marry every male in the world.

• After divorcing Fed-Ex, she was caught hitting a car with an umbrella because someone told her to put on some undergarments.

Divorce

Britney Spears doing a Public Service by taking a homeless man to submit his job application to McDonalds in 2005. He was not hired, but, she married him for a while.

On November 7, 2006, the world reacted with shock at the news that Britney had filed for divorce from Cletus McKfed. Britney had filed papers the day before, but it took a while for CNN to confirm whether or not this was the real Britney Spears.

“There were rumors all the time of their divorce. We weren't sure if it was real this time.”

~ Wolf Blitzer on the credibility of Britney Spears's divorce

“I just got tired of using him as a tool.”

~ Britney Spears on her recent divorce with Kevin Federline

On November 7, it was confirmed by the entire world that K-Fed had become Fed-Ex. Ironically, the ex-Mr. Spears is reportedly working for FedEx, which is weird considering he’s never worked a day in his life and never will.

Britney, meanwhile, decided to celebrate being single by demonstating her true upper-class status by hiring Paris Hilton to personally teach her to be slutty. Ms. Hilton’s lessons’ included flashing her bajingo the paparazzi, a trend which is increasinly popular among female celebrities. She then gained 150lbs, shaved her head, took some pills then checked into rehab. After leaving rehab the following morning, she went to Paris Hilton’s dog box and smoked some more weed, then went to Lindsay Lohan’s house and got plastered. She has been doing the same thing ever since. Together they co-ordinate their law breaking and other controversy, shaving their heads, holding barefoot Ladies Fight Club in petrol station toilets and exposing themselves in public. Amy Winehouse is reputed to have joined their club!

Little did Britney know, her children we soon to be taken from her evil clutches and given to their caring dad, FedEx. Both parents will now continue to insult and bitch slap each other despite the presence of people from parenting classes, which seems to be failing.

Future

Britney’s next comeback will be even…. bigger?

Britney’s last remaining fan.

Britney’s plans for her futures is mainly focused on marrying Michael Moore and doing another baby drop escapade along with kissing Audrey Hepburn thus to add to her long time wish of making out with a respected older woman. She then plans to release her new single Oops, I dropped her again. . Britney’s baby is reported to enter Prehab along with teen idols Lindsay Lohan and Dakota Fanning.

Britney caused a stir at the 2007 VMAs when she gave live birth during a stunning performance of “Gimmie More Press”. No one noticed that she was lip-syncing, nor did they notice the 8 lbs, 2 oz baby boy that fell out of her wet leather purse. However her incredibly sexual kiss with wildwoman Tipper Gore was highly critisized, some stating that she’s taken her act one step too far. Sources mention that concerned ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake and Andre the Giant begged her to stop hanging out with the dangerous party crowd.

After recently appearing in combat gear with a shaved head there has been major speculation that she is planning to appear on YouTube and myspace in catfights with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton in a buildup to a sequel to Fight Club staring Rocky. The movie is to be filmed in the psychopath from the Saw movies’ private warehouse.

Other possibilities include a remake of “Star Trek – The Motion Picture“, as the bald chick. To end the depression, Britney decided to pass the time with plastic surgery and binge eating As evidenced by the above picture. As a fan of Micheal Jackson, it was only natural for her to start the trend. “He looked so… sexy when he had no nose. I wanted to be just like him, unlike SOME people!” As she tears up a picture of her multi-named ex-husband. One month after the surgery, she makes her first public appearance, not realizing she was high and had rat-dung smeared over her face.

Studio albums (1990–present)

Year Title

1990 GodWeenSatan: The Oneness

1991 The Pod

1992 Pure Guava

1994 Chocolate & Cheese

1996 12 Golden Country Greats

1997 The Mollusk

1999 Craters of the Sac

2000 White Pepper

2003 Quebec

2005 Shinola, Vol. 1

2007 La Cucaracha

Life

Life is a terminal sexually transmitted disease. Although it cannot be cured, it can be treated with a large dose of death. Thus, the best treatment for life is to ensure that death is administered as soon as possible: one time-tested strategy is leaving the infected baby in a dumpster. This treatment is ineffective; death is only a temporary cure because of reincarnation, the toxin known to be the driving force behind the life epidemic.

Discovered by René Descartes (The Great Mathematician!!), the statement “Cogito, ergo sum,” (roughly translated: “Whoa, I just realized that I exist – I must be awesome”) best sums up the characteristics of the disease.

The symptoms of life include breathing, eating, and all other kinds of general douchebaggery. It is the only known STD with a 100% fatality rate.

Life is also highly mysterious. The amount of life you have left is usually calculated by subtracting your age from a random number. This can lead to inaccurate results; however, some people are fortunate enough to have their life indicated by either a row of hearts or of small pictures of their face that hover above them and to the left.

Every major culture has attempted to unravel the mysteries of life, and they’ve all sucked at it. However, the predominant theories are:

• A pond full of scum got hit with some lighting, and 3.85 billion years later, Joel Schumacher was hired to direct Batman & Robin.
• An eternal being was sitting around in a bunch of nothingness when he suddenly decided to create somethingness. He got pissed off at what he created and killed all of it. Then he started giving books to his creation.
  • Maybe, in order to make sure that wouldn’t happen again, he took the form of his creation so they could sacrifice him to himself. Then he wrote a book about it.
  • And maybe, a few hundred years later, he wrote a second book that was supposed to clarify that book but instead just rambled on incoherently like Allen Ginsberg on meth.
• An evil alien overlord flew the population of the universe to New Delhi on commercial jets and threw them in a Yamuna, and then played movies meant to confuse their disembodied souls, and this would all be obvious to you if they weren’t stuck to you right now.
• 42.

These, of course, are only the best theories. There are many others which are not so compelling.

How to get one

First, throw away all of your video game consoles. Then, get people to be your friends, obtain a friend of the opposite sex, and call this your girlfriend(if you’re a boy), or a boyfriend(if you’re a girl). If you’re gay/lesbian, just make up your own word.

After this, things get tricker. No one actually agrees on what it means to “have a life.” However, the following listcruft may help you out:

People who have a life

• Firefighters
• Rakhi Sawant
• Sheila Dick-Shit Dikshit

People who do not have a life

• Stamp collectors
• YOU
• People who write erotic fan fiction about Star Trek

Procedures

While life happens across a wide variety of plant and animal specimens, the basic process of life can be broken down into a series of steps common to all:

Eat

Food and water are required for the sustenance of life. Ironically, much of the world’s food is derived from the death of something else. Eating can be done in a variety of ways: absorbing sunlight, gathering nutrients from liquids, consuming the pulpy bits of other lifeforms, and sucking the sweet sweet blood of your overworld cousins are just a few of the more common methods. Some cultures even indulge in consuming the undeveloped fetuses (or feti) of smaller animals, such as chickens, ostriches (or ostrigi), or fish. White people are commonly known to consume the reproductive fluids of a cow. Sometimes of a goat. They call this process “drinking milk”, but it is really a communist plot to overthrow the Bulgarian government.

• A requisite by-product of eating is waste removal,well you don’t need to know that!

Sleep

Sleep is also required for life to continue. But try not to do it too much, because when you sleep you may get eaten by clinjas.

Have sex Reproduce

The most necessary thing for the sustenance of life, and for the creation of the next generation of lifeforms and, if you’re a minor celebrity with a camera, for publicity, oh and don’t get pushed around by killer pianos.

Repeat as necessary

Do the above three steps over and over again(especially the sex if you’re a celebrity), ad frickin’ infinitum.

Die

This is currently a myth since the scientific community hasn’t yet accepted this stage for the lack of evidence. Not exactly a part of life, but the conclusion of it.

Death can happen in any of a million ways. You could get shot, eaten, run over, blown up, torn up, burned, stabbed,attacked by a pack of stray dogs, drowned, severely teabagged, poisoned or slaughtered (some intellectuals speculate uncontrolled spontaneous laughter, known scientifically as fatal hilarity, can also result in a rather pleasant death). Since dying is the end of life, many people believe it’s important to make a big show of it and try to die through dangerous activities like skydiving, fishing, and talking loudly in libraries.

Conclusion

WTF??

As all life begins, so it must end. Or not. Wait, a second…yes. Uhh…no. Whatever. One can die, or be turned into an undead dude, or perhaps ascend into the pantheon and “live” forever. As with the beginning, the end of life is an oft-debated topic despite being useless to anyone alive. If you’ve ever wondered what happens after life ends, don’t worry about it too much. You’ll find out in about five minutes (this is what is known as a deadline).

Recent Discoveries

Recent research suggests that, excepting zombies, nobody can remember the beginning of their own life. This has led to the conclusion that birth is an illusion, and that we are all trapped in a false reality from which there is no escape. Kind of like the Matrix. But kind of not.

Cheat codes

Life can sometimes become a bit difficult. In some cases, it may become necessary to use cheat codes to get through obstacles. Yes, it is true that people may laugh at you and call you a loser, but its best to remember that since you’re not doing it on a video game, that automatically means you’re not a loser.

Wanted cheat: Go on your computer, get onto Google, then type in the words “Will Miley Cyrus blow me?” The police will come.

Pedestrians attack: get in your car, drive up to a KKK meeting, go in there and yell out the words “Jesus is black!” the pedestrians will very likely attack you.

Extra money cheat: Send millions of e-mails to people informing them that you manage a bank account with $15,000,000 (Nobody cares about Indian Rupees!) in it, and you’d like to give them half of it for no reason. Then start asking them to send you money. Believe it or not, this works.

Speed up time cheat: Walk down the street to your friendly amateur pharmacist and ask for “white powder.” Things will get very fast and they may not stop.

Maximum fat cheat: do exactly what you’re doing at this very moment.

Keep Pedestrians Away cheat: Take of all your clothes and go outside. Like a miracle, everyone seems to either walk or run away from you. This cheat also works if you want to police to arrest you, and if you want abuse shouted at you by some members of society.

James Bond

Number of chicks that Bond has laid since you started reading this article:

Number of chicks dying of Bond’s STD since you started reading this article:

Bond, James Bond 007 (born Ian ‘Bob’ Fleming) is an ultra-suave British secret agent – formerly secret, anyway. Bond is noted for his love of martinis (stirred, not shaken), women (shaken, not stirred), cars (taken not stirred), for the bionic weapons built into his body (activated with the phrase “Go-Go Gadget Spoon”, for example) and for his signature greeting which goes: “Bond, James Bond”. It is sometimes falsely believed that his first name is James, however this is actually his middle name; Bond being both his first and last name.It has recently been revealed that Bond is in fact a Time Lord, which explains his constant face changing, as whenever He dies, he regenerates. Also, for a secret agent, everyone in the world knows who he is at first glance. The original James Bond book was written as a parody of Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.
“As in the late Dentarthudent. It's a threat, you see.”

~ Slartibartfast on confusing introductions

Books

The cover to one of Fleming’s shitty novels.

James Bond came into existence when Ian Phlegming published his first Bond novel Casino Royale with Cheese Served Upside Down. Ian Flaming published several other novels but of course, no one cares about the stupid books. It is the films that made Bond a household name. (See also Cillit Bang). He is descended from Victorian (or Elizabethan, I’m not entirely sure which) secret agent, Mister Darcy.

Movies

In 1961 Albert Broccoli and Barry Asparagus (aka the Chuckle Brothers) decided to produce the James Bond film series with permission from Ian Plumbing. They scoured all over the universe for an unsuitable James Bond until they found a suitable one, Shorn Canary. He starred in the first five James Bond movies, all adaptations of books, before he was given the lethal injection for having stared in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

In 1969 a new James Bond movie was announced by the name of On Top of Her Majesty, Secret Service, a documentary following an normal week of the “real” James Bond. However George Lazenby was hated by the public, who threw tomatoes at him every time they saw him, so he cut down by a lumberjack and made into a table and chairs, which now sit in Jesus Christ’s office. For their next James Bond movie, Albert and Barry brought Canary back to life for one more movie, Diamonds Are Almost Forever (after the movie closed production he was once again given the lethal injection).

In 1973 a new James Bond took over, Roger More. Roger was actually drafted into the role as part of witness protection and had no prior experience of acting. More starred in the next six James Bond movies, and by A View Over The Hill he was extremely old and he in fact fell apart straight after filming.

It took eight years to propionate a new James Bond to come forward (ha ha, innuendo) and since every previous James Bond actor had been killed in some ghastly way, there weren’t many actors who wanted to play the character. Eventually they found Prince Barin, who starred in two more films before being killed in an elephant stampede. In 1995, eight years since the most recent movie (at the time), License To Smell a new Bond film, was released, starring Pierced Brosmum. He starred in four more movies, the last being To Die Yet Another Way. Ironically, days after finishing the shooting, he was assassinated by some random hater, and died in a different way than the other Bond actors.

After Brosnan’s death, a black James Bond was considered.

After Brosnan’s death, rumors spread across the Internet like old kippers of who would be the next Bond. Names like Oscar Wilde, Bea Arthur and thingumajig. You know, that guy from the sci-fi show. Not the main one, the other one. No not the one with the beard. Oh, forget it! were fan favorites. The producers remained silent for over a year, choosing instead to talk about the next James Bond car and soap dispenser.

On October 14, 2004 a new James Bond was selected, after they had got the list down to three. They picked Barry White over the other two top picks, Mel Brooks and Ashlee Simpson. However, Barry White was considered “too black for Bond”, therefore EON gave him the boot. Finally, on November 16, 2006, they decided to cast Daniel Craig David as Bond. The resulting film, Casino Royale With Cheese (It’s Because of the Metric System), was released on November 22, 2006.

The new Bond

Daniel Craig is so going to ####### kill you.

On November 22, 2006, Casino Royale with Cheese Served Upside Down debuted. Tabloids commented on the new Bond with slogans such as “British Film Budget Running Low”. However, in keeping with action movie 20 second drownings, Daniel Craig drowned the trash talkers in various public restrooms devoid of patrons (as usual), and is now currently basking in the light of a self-imposed critical praise.

The future of the Bond series

Roger Moore is rumored to play the “bond guy” in the next James Bond film.

In November of 2008, the 22nd official Bond film will be released, entitled Bond: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of England. Though details on the plot are sketchy, the producers are acknowledging that Bond will “track a dangerous villain from England to America,” “gain cultural feedback from various Americans about how to be a gentleman,” and “make sexy time with many homosexuals.”

The writers have also acknowledged the filming of a brutal fight sequence involving a naked Bond and Larry King which takes place at a Marriot in L.A. The filmmakers are hoping this will be the darkest and most realistic Bond film yet.

Where the series is going from here, no one is certain, but many rumors have been generated. One notable one is that by the next film, James Bond will be gay, and “bond girls” will be replaced with “bond guys”. Another rumor is that, in promotion of conservation of the environment, Bond’s car will be a hybrid Honda Civic in future films.

List of Bond films

1. Dr. Yes or maybe No (1962)
2. Dr. No To Drugs (1962)
3. From Russia with AIDS (1963)
4. Goldfingered (1964)
5. Thunderballs (1965)
6. You Only Came Twice? (1967)
7. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
8. On His Majesty’s Even More Secret “Service” (1969)
9. Diamonds r 4 Eva (1971)
10. Live and Let McCartney Die (1973)
11. The Man with the Older Son (1974)
12. The Spy Who Bleeped Me (1977)
13. Moonraper (1979)
14. For Your Brown Eye Only (1981)
15. Tottenham Hotspur (1983)
16. Never Say Never Say Never Again Again in case you didn’t already see Thunderball (1983)
17. A View with a Room (1985)
18. Of Mice and Men (1986)
19. The Dying Nightlights (1987)
20. License To Grill (1989)
21. My Goldeneye is Attracted to your Goldenboobs (1995)
22. Tomorrow Never Spontaneously Combusts (1997)
23. The World Is Quite Enough, Thank You (1999)
24. Die Another Gay (2002)
25. To Die Yet Another Way (2002)
26. Casino Royale With Cheese (Damn Metric System) (2006)
27. Bond: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of England (2008)
28. James Bond and Polonium 210 (2010)
29. Goldenshower (2011)
30. Bond Begins (2012)
31. To Die Yet Another Way Yet Again (2014)
32. To Kill a Mockingbird (3072)
33. The Smoking Penis (2019)
34. 007 in: I Am Too Damn Old for This…Please Let Me Retire (2034)
35. Hospice Royal (2074)
36. Rocky XIV (2014)
37. Quantum of Leap (2008)
38. The Man With The Golden Runs (1905)
39. James Bond in Africa (2016)
40. James Bond vs. Shaft & Johnny English (2017)
41. James Bond vs. Jack Bauer & Solid Snake & Liquid Snake & Solidus Snake(2018)
42. James Bond vs. The “Spy vs. Spy” dudes (2019)
43. James Bond vs. Manny Paquiao(Paquiao beat him by hair with a modded rocket launcher)(2020)
44. James Bond Wrestling Tournament: Sean Connery v. Roger Moore v. Timothy Dalton v. George Lazenby v. Pierce Brosnan; Winner takes on the reigning Bond Champ Daniel “Jenny” Craig (Coming Soon)
45. The five Bonds
46. James Bond Vs. Predator Vs. Alien Vs. BizzaroBond (Coming Not So Soon)
47. 007 James Bond Vs. Your Mom, the One Girl who he Hasn’t Screwed Yet (2020)
48. 007 in: Why the Hell won’t you guys let me retire yet? (3035)
49. 007 in: To Die Yet Another Way Yet Again… (every year to come)
50. Feel my STD’S, women (every second)
51. Jimmy Bond in Casino Royale II (2000)
52. The Next Man with the Golden Runs (1900)
53. Diamonds are Things you give to Hott Mama’s When you want to get inside of their clothes (2345)
54. Let me Stick in your octopussy (2000 AD)
55. james bond : OAP (bond in his 80′s)
56. James Bond Vs. Austin Powers (his porn movie debut)
57. Rambo 5 (2012)
58. James Bond The Spy who Loved and Shagged Me
59. A Night in Bond (his interpertation of his “one night in paris”)
60. Gimme More (guest staring Britany Spears)

Gadgets

Bond, James Bond is well known for using advanced gadgets provided to him by M16′s armorer, known only as B (Betty Boothroyd). Such gadgets include:

• Concentrated vodka(to make the girls think he is hot)
• Chainsaw gun
• Inflatible Pants
• The Batmobile
• Russell Crowe’s trousers
• Richard Nixon mask
• Skateboard with NOS boosters
  

  

  Bond keeps on rocking in the free world.

• Electric nipples
• Jetpack made out of cheese
• Yellow sourcream
• Removable nutsack with power steering
• Jimmy Neutron (in case there is need of weaponry)
• Gaydar
• “MacGyver Sux” T-Shirt
• Instant Alibi
• Mule cart pulled by a Chinese orphan
• Ford Pinto with Sony PSP controller
• Extra strength Old Spice with monkey pheromones
• Inflatable cock
• Ejector boxers
• Instant blowup doll
• Exploding Buttocks
• Q Segway
• Q approved grade A condom
• Pepto Bismal
• Portable HIV tester
• Knockout gas (only works on females)
• Playboy magazine: Secret Agents Undressed
• Miami Vice director’s cut DVD
  

  

  He sometimes plays guitar with throwing knives, just like in GoldenEye 64

• Automatic pistol that fires nuclear missiles
• Sarcasm Detector
• Rubber chicken
• Anti-Flaccid cream
• Malfunctioning Heart Starter, to give him yet another shot at stupid humor
• An iPod with a bunch of “mood songs”
• A iHome disguised as a gun
• Magic Cards
• Chuck Norris
• Your Mom
• Gundam……………………….does he know how to drive?
• A weasel rotating on a wheel
• Detachable exploding nuts (cock included for when he’s doing some evil chick)
• His but ugly face
• some wierd retarted muppet from star wars
• Dunlop Tortex 1.00mm Guitar Picks

James Bond quotes

“We better slow down, there are speed cameras.”

~ James Bond on British roads

“They're getting away! We'll get after them in this...Pedalo!”

~ James Bond on British transport

“I'm sorry M. We had to give up the chase. I didn't have twelve pounds.”

~ James Bond on London congestion charge

Why Stick Things in the Electrical Outlet?

Ever wonder what happens if you stick a fork in the outlet? Yearning to find out what electricity tastes like? You’ll learn that much and more if you just stop being such a wimp and stick something in!

Why Should I Do That?

There are several reasons why you should:

1. Well first off, it’s FUN! What could be more enjoyable than creating a nice BZZT!! when you put a quarter inside the outlet? It’s your own personal light show!
2. Next, it is easy to play with! No assembly required, unless you don’t have any outlets in your house, in which case you probably aren’t reading this. Conveniently placed low to the ground, it is easily accessible to most people, especially young children, for everyone’s enjoyment.
3. You want to watch TV? Read XtraSanity? Vacuum the carpet? Keep someone alive on life support? You got to plug it in! If you are reading this, you have already plugged at least one of those things in.
4. Keep the kids entertained! Let junior experience the joy of outlets, by letting him plug not only his favorite toys, such as his light up globe and K’nex roller coaster, but your favorite toys too, such as your keys, credit cards, screwdrivers, assorted metal objects…etc. Junior will surely be buzzing with excitement!

Early Electrocution

You’ll never know if what they say is true; experiments with electric outlets should be started at a young age

Many people sought to understand the mysterious holes in the wall that make the TV and lamps turn on. For as long as they have been around, man has been prying and poking at it, putting random objects in it, and going as far as tasting it.

“Somehow, I don’t think you thought your cunning plan all the way through”

It was reported that it was a young girl, who was the first person to experiment with outlets. She tricked her friend, into sticking a knife into one, telling him it was part of a secret plan to unlock a hidden door. He showed last minute regrets: “Somehow, I don’t think you thought your cunning plan all the way through”, he said, before shoving the knife in. The police reported the event as “attempted suicide”.

“But the wall was hungry!”

A 2 1/2 year old schizophrenic toddler reportedly poured pancake batter in the outlet after the wall complained that it wanted to taste the pancake batter the boy’s mother was making. When asked why he (the boy) did it, he said: “I was gonna bring him (an outlet) some done ones, but Tommy (another outlet) said he wanted to taste em raw. So I did.” The pancakes and the walls burned that morning.

Scientific Studies

In the late ’50s, there was an explosion of activity in suburban homes all across the world. New electrical appliances came out, and more and more outlets showed up in homes. Soon, there was a surplus of outlets just waiting there, like little lab tables, waiting to be experimented with.

Hamster Conductivity Test

A small group of young physicists from MIT sought out to explore the understudied science of bioelectricity. For this test, three test subjects were obtained of the species Cricetus cricetus, labeled “Snuggles,” “Hammy,” and, a control subject, “Nibbles”. The experiment was to determine the conductivity of the species, by placing the subjects into an electrical outlet. The results were, shockingly, in accordance to Ohm’s law, which states that:

The results showed conclusively that due to their high resistance to being held, hamsters would not make good conductors, but do make decent pets.

Electrical Conductivity of the Human Body

Stick something in to receive the surprise inside!

The young scientists last sought to test the conductivity of their own bodies using the same procedure, with each scientist being his own test subject. One placed a fork in the outlet. Sparks flew. Next, one plugged in a hairdryer conveniently placed next to a full bathtub. Good thing nobody was in it at the time. The final scientist simply placed a finger in the socket. The results certainly short-circuited their proverbial “idea light bulbs”. Future experiments were soon curtailed due to new “outlet protectors”.

Whats in the Outlet?

The inescapable allure of the outlet

A Living Thing

Those two eye-like holes and a mouth like one brings a misconception that the outlet is in fact a living thing. This is further reinforced by the way the plugs tend to give off energy when things are plugged into it, in accordance with the concept that all living things need food, and their ability to make other outlets when properly equipped gives the outlet an uncanny resemblance to a living thing.

For that reason, it is often necessary for some to feed and care for their outlets, which may seem shocking to some, but is actually completely normal. In fact, the National Homeowners Association recommends feeding your outlets continuously with little plastic army men and play-doh, and a bi-weekly administration of a pair of safety scissors to increase energy production and reduce electric bills. Sometimes, outlets will get angry and turn on appliances, shoot out sparks, and/or shock you or burn your house down. In that case, the outlet has been very bad and should be punished accordingly, by putting in a plastic outlet protector and starving it.

A Secret Lair

All great action figures know that the secret entrance to the villains’ secret bunker in the toaster is secretly opened by inserting the secret key into the secret electrical outlet secretly. However, It was later discovered by Aquaman, after a previous electrifying encounter with an evil Superman, that they could skip all the elongated dramatic shots and gripping dialog if they would just turn the knob on the toaster on, and permanently vanquish their foe once and for all. That was not the case for Flash and Hawk girl, who both died horrible deaths when they were both left in the villains secret prison, the microwave, during a torturous interrogation session.

Plastic army men also know of the benefits of having an outlet nearby. Not only can they use it to power their armored monster trucks, but it makes a great “Doomsday device” when a tank round (represented by a screwdriver) hits it and causes the enemy army to run in terror. In the massive “Second Battle of Kitchen Sink,” the leader of the Green army, Sarge, filled the sink with water, so it would act as a natural barrier, slowing the initial charge of Tan army tanks. Then, as the Tan army started to swim across, he pushed the kitchen radio into the sink, fully killing 1/3 of the Tan army. Never again did the Tan army fight indoors.

A Golden Surprise

Younger children are often especially gullible, especially when they are told what something is, especially by an especially violent and emotionally disturbed older sibling, especially. A prime example is the “golden surprise” inside every outlet. In order to reach the “surprise”, they must put a screwdriver in the outlet and pry open the door to get the “surprise”. Contrary to the older siblings’ allegations, the “golden surprise” is nothing more than a few pieces copper and zinc, worth about 10 cents, and a very energetic–and extremely painful–experience.

But Why Would I Do That?

So are you convinced yet? A little unsure? Thats ok.

There is always some concern over the safety of doing such things, such as pouring boiling water down your pants, and cutting your head off with a chainsaw. SO the question then, is Why? Because we know that they is the unexplained need to do so – it gnaws and claws at your very soul; it speaks to you in the dreams that you repress. It is normal to have urges Mrs. DeWinter, you can only suppress them for so long; curiosity is a normal sign of a fully functioning mind, you simply need to say to yourself that “I am helpless, Mrs. Danvers, I cannot fight this any longer. Where did you put the damned awl?”

But if you pay attention, we’re not forcing you to do anything, just giving you suggestions. I would try it if I were you. But I’m not you, so go ahead and do what you want anyway. Sure, there are a few hazards, you know, the usual burns, cuts, scrapes, mild electrocution…etc. But look at the benefits: Experience. Why give up a chance at doing something so devilishly fun as sticking assorted objects into your nearest outlet? In fact, why don’t you go do it now? You will? Awesome!! Here take this screwdriver…hold it like this and jam it in on the count of 3:

…One……Two…

…Three!
CRACKLE!!

BUZZZZZTTTT!!!

Hey buddy, are you OK?

How To Crash Your StepDad’s New Corvette (Or Maruti if Your Dad is Too Poor!)

Not only does the car need to be crashed…but your stepdad(hereafter referred to as dad) completely deserves this! Here are some simple steps, plus alternate plans, to assure maximum crashedness from your dad’s Corvette.

About Your Dad

Your dad is a regular guy. He works all day, comes home at night. Likes to relax with a bucket of bourbon. He hates his job and hopes you grow up just like him.

And, he’s always complaining about money.

Last Diwali/Holi/Christmas, your dad bought you some socks and an old tennis ball. He said times were hard, and he couldn’t afford to get you anything better. Maybe for your birthday.

For your birthday, he got you a dead rat and a half-empty box of toothpicks. He called it a theme birthday, and complained some more about money being tight.

You fell for it.

Your dad’s new Corvette. Start planning revenge!

About the Corvette

A few months ago, after your mom left, your dad started acting all weird around the other moms in town. He started talking about the girls at work. He spent a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Three weeks ago he bought a brand new Corvette Z06, cherry red. And a hair piece.

This is a sweet ride. It looks fast, even when it’s parked. The best in American milk – it’s fast, loud and burns through petrol like a wildfire through a prairie.

Its engine is a 427 all aluminum, pushrod V8, 505 horsepower and 475 footpounds of torque, 10.9 compression ratio and overhead valves. It will do zero to 60 in 3.5 seconds.

Your dad spends all his spare time cleaning it, waxing it, driving it slowly through town, and blindingly fast down the highways. You’re not allowed to touch it, or even look at it for very long. You’ve been told you will never, ever be allowed to drive it.

The Basic Plan

Your Dad totally sucks! WTF? He gets a shiny red Corvette, and you get tube socks? He deserves anything that happens to him – and you can tell him the Sysops at XtraSanity say so! They’re so rich, they’ll gladly fight your lawsuit.

Stealing the car

After bragging to all your friends for the last week or so about how you’re going to crash your dad’s Vette, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. If you don’t have a driver’s license, don’t sweat it. You’re already going to be charged for auto theft, speeding, hit-and-run, disturbing the peace, and, depending on what you crash it into, maybe assault or even homicide. But, hey…it’s just a harmless prank, right?

Location

The keys. Your mission is clear.

It doesn’t really matter where he keeps the car. You live with him (or are forced to live with him alternate weekends) so find the keys. They should look like the house keys, but they’ll have a Corvette symbol on them.

Timing

The best time to crash your dad’s new Corvette will depend on two factors:

• Not getting caught
• Making sure he knows you did it

That second point is important, and up to you. If you’re a bit Emo and want him to know how pissed you are, just hang out with the demolished car after the deed. If you’re at all smart, you’ll make sure you have an alibi.

Taking all this into consideration, the best time to take the car would be when your dad is at work, in a pub or with a hooker.

If the Corvette does not look like this, you HAVE FAILED

Crashing the car

Now we get to the heart of the plan, and the most difficult. The basics are easy – start the car, put it in gear, drive into something bigger and less likely to move than the car (Or something that is likely to move, but in the opposite direction, such as an oncoming bus (see below)).

But the devil is in the details.

Assuming you can start the car, you’ll have to get it in gear. And not only first gear – the car is made of plastic, but we want it totalled, not just dented. If you’ve never driven a stick shift, go out and steal a few to practice on. When you can drive over the speed limit without the engine sounding like a hornet’s nest – you’re ready.

What to drive in to?

Most angst-ridden emo teenagers choose their own school to crash into. Unless you want to get caught, most experts would argue against this. Alternatives include: another high school, someone’s house, a random tree, or Rakhi Sawant.

Close, but it didn’t crash, now, did it?

Now, the actual crashing.

This is the part that separates the men from the boys, the leaders from the followers and most likely, your leg from your torso. Get in that brand new Corvette, bought with money that SHOULD have gone to buying you a Wii PS3 xBox 360 new computer porn and unspoiled food. Start it up. Feel the rumble of 400 horses that will never run again. Step on the clutch, shift into first, pull out into the street. Drive toward your target. Accelerate. Second gear. Faster! Third, fourth gear!! There it is, coming fast. Fifth gear – the engine is roaring with power!!! Your target, looming large. Don’t touch the steering wheel, or you’ll flip this thing like a cheap burger. Over 350 kms per hour. The world is a blur. All you see is your target, framed by the Corvette’s vibrating windshield….

Well, okay, this works, too.

Boom

It’s crashed. You’re showered with safety glass and surrounded by an airbag. You can’t feel your legs.

When you see your dad again, calmly tell him how he should spend the insurance money.

The Backup Plan

TipThe Backup Plan can be used along with The Basic Plan for maximum hilarity.

Just in case The Basic Plan didn’t work (or it did, but now your step-dad bought a new Corvette) here is The Backup Plan.

For this plan to work, make sure you are in an action movie. Be sure to check How To Survive a Horror Movie(Will Be Here Soon) to see if you are.

Once you know you’re in an action movie (and not some romantic comedy crap) your plan is simple. Leave your dad’s Corvette in an intersection through which the bad guy will be chasing the good guy. One of them will have a Hummer or a truck or a locomotive, so the ‘vette can be considered toast.

The Backup Backup Plan

This also may work too

Assuming you’re not in an action movie (and who has time for those any more?) and can’t find a way to steal the car, you’ll have to go with Plan C. This is Plan C:

Plan C: Crash Something Into Your Dad’s New Corvette

By reversing the original plan, this plan leaves somewhat more to the imagination. As such it should be perfect for artists, musicians (even drummers) and other creative types. Please note that this is NOT Russian Reversal. We’re crashing a Corvette, not a Yugo!

Step One: Choose the Crashing Object

In Step One, we’ll choose the crashing object. If this is to be a rush job, another car might be the perfect choice. Find out where your dad parked his ‘Vette, and drive someone else’s car into it. See the first section for details. Any car will do, as Corvettes are mostly plastic.

If a car won’t work, or you can’t find one, or you’re only a meter tall, you’ll need to find something else. A few ideas:

• Large Boulder – One of these will completely smash a Corvette. Find one as big as you are, and you can take out the garage, house and most of your neighbors. You’ll have trouble moving it, but the results will be spectacular! The Evening News will feature it…maybe even XtraSanity!
• Small Cat – Not much damage to the car, but easy to move. If you lower your expectations from “crash the car” to “make the car really smelly with ruined upholstery” this might be the solution for you! Lock a cat in the car overnight…or for a few weeks if possible…and watch the fun. It’s a good idea to throw in some mice. This makes the cat go a lot more berzerk and it also makes sure the poor thing doesn’t starve.
• Rakhi Sawant- Lot’s of crash potential here, just look at her music videos! The main problem will be to get Rakhi to run fast enough into your dad’s new Corvette to do any real damage. The age old trick of telling Rakhi that there are media people in the car will not work! Too many people have tried that for her to fall for it again. You’ll have to get her into the area by telling her there’s a TV Producer in your back yard. Once she’s down the block, scream out, “Rakhi! There’s a naked lesbian in that red Corvette, and she’s covered with money!” The resulting collision should be heard for miles.
• Meteor – This one might take some time, but with enough patience and enough praying to God, you might just be able to make the big guy send one crashing down onto your dad’s car. Alternately, if you’re atheist, you might be able to call in a favor or two from Sephiroth. It’s a good idea to place the car either in the middle of nowhere or in a place you don’t like, because all that’s going to be left is a smoldering crater.
• Tornado – Slightly easier than finding a meteor, just park the car in a trailer park and let nature take its course.
• KrAZ army truck – This’ll tear through the Corvette for sure, but the only problem is that you need to either go to Ukraine & get one or have it shipped over, which will take some time. Once you get one though, just hit the gas & head straight for the ‘Vette! If you’re lucky, you might even crush the ‘Vette due to the KrAZ’s HUGE off-road tires & HUGE ground clearance!
• Calculator – The use of a calculator to destroy a car is both extremely obscure and blindingly obvious. All you do it put it in the car, press any number (you can do something like 666 or 13 if you want), then press ÷, then 0, and then =. It should start to shake uncontrollably. You have about thirty seconds to run like the dickens before it explodes. It is recommended you bring along something really fast to get away (Preferably a Nissan Skyline GT-R or Porsche Carrera GT). No, the corvette does not work.
• Lamborghini – Crashing one of those in your dad’s Corvette will instantly destroy both cars because of some random general madness theory. So if your brother bought a new lamborghini, steal it and use it.
• Nuke – Nothing wrong about dropping a nuke on your dad’s corvette. However, there are little side effects. It will mostly blow your house and all the far surroundings of the corvette, and that includes you. And there are also nasty things called radiations that might pop out of the nuke+corvette combo.

Step Two: Plan the Crash

Each of the above Crashing Objects will inspire its own plan. It will do no good to substitute Rakhi Sawant for the cat, for instance. She’ll just tear up the upholstery and smell up the interior after a few days.

Ditto with the boulder.

Other Ideas

Is this your dad?Is this a corvette?Your putting pictures here for no reasons

*Explosives Just get a bomb design off the internet. Make sure you perfect it so it wont fire on its own or while your holding it. Make sure you drive the corvette in a park or some open area with as few people as possible. If you set the bomb in the corvette off while its in the house, you might kill your father and who wants to not be arrested and know that your father didn’t know what hit him. It doesn’t take a college nerd to make a bomb.

• Lighter Fluid This is a simple one. Take the car and drive it onto the street. Douse it with fuel and set it on fire. Then run like hell. Maybe a sticky note around the crime scene with a smily face and your signature will be enough to make your father know.

• Ditch It Just steal it and leave it somewhere like the ghetto or sell it to the black market. Sell it to your long lost uncle in the tropics for 5000 bucks. Its simple but in this case your going to get a brand new WII!

• Beat It With this technique, you may use your freinds for this one. Steal some of your dads hard earned money to buy crowbars. Drive it in some alley in the city and beat it till its the size of a compact car. You may want to put this on camera and put it on you-tube. Its a win-win situation where you become a you-tube celebrity and now you work as a bar tender in the Bahamas with a new name constantly proud of what you done.

Chemistry

Chemistry (the study of dumbing down physics) was first invented by Sir Francis Chemistry, in 1625, along with stockings for men, bikini waxing and the electric centipede. Chemistry derived from the science of cooking. The first modern chemist was Alfred Nobel, whose edible dynamite (an early and futile design) started the whole discipline. Even today, though modern chemistry is considered a branch of alchemy (the science of randomly mixing anything together, like cats and cheese sandwiches, in the vain hope ok making the element of Gold, or even better, the fabled element of Surprise), much of chemistry taught in schools is simply cooking (with explosive cats) and some older text books even refer to the subject as ‘ye olde theoreticale cookinge’. Some experts, however, disagree, as recorded in the famous 847CE publication of Phlogging the Phlogiston, by Marcus Arrhenius Berzelius, famed Stoic and composer of the Classical classic Harold in Italy. These experts argue that, in fact, Chemistry is not about alchemy at all [i.e.; nascent chemistry] at all, but instead, as the French put it, le seul sexe que je vais avoir ce soir. Since it’s French, no one really cares anyway. Chemistry made huge advances when Steven Spielberg noted that movies containing big booms did better in the box office than movies with small booms or none at all. After some initial success along these lines, chemistry became the subject of an unsuccessful hostile takeover bid by Physics. It must be noted, however, that although Chemistry provides far more ways, especially for the amateur truck driver, to blow things up, Physics stuck it in poor Chemistry’s eye with its accomplishments at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Rules of the lab

Due to the high explosion content in chemistry labs, chemists have a strict set of rules that must be adhered to while in the lab.

• Mix, shake, explode!
• If you don’t know what you are doing, do it anyway.
• Avogadro’s number works for everything – it’s magic!
• When in doubt, convert everything to moles.
• If you can not convert to moles, convert everything into gophers.
• If you need a straight line plot, use only two data points.
• When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
• Most chemicals can be distinguished by taste, or by huffing them.
• In case of prolonged exposure to water, treat exposed area with concentrated hydrochloric acid, then rinse with sulfuric acid.
• Dry ice should be held firmly at all times, without gloves of any kind.
• Experiments must be reproducible. They should fail the same way each time.
• First draw your curves, then plot your data.
• Warning labels are for pussies.
• If you can’t get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
• In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
• Do not believe in miracles – rely on them.
• Liquid nitrogen is to be thrown at other people.
• The glasses and coat really do make you look awesome. Wear them to increase your sex appeal.
• The answer to number 2 is D.
• When unsure of what to do, just throw chemicals together until something explodes.
• Team work is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
• No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
• Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
• All unmarked beakers contain highly toxic, fast-acting poisons.
• If you hear an explosion, first check your pants.
• If you find something in your pants wash it out quickly with highly concentrated bleach to avoid the ridicule of other chemists.
• Look to political science or the temple for help when you are stuck on a problem (good luck).
• After heating a substance, touch it to make sure it’s cooled down.
• Do something stupid ONLY when the teacher is watching.
• Remember, open flames are the safest flames.
• For unknown substances, always rely on the three T’s: touch, taste, and tequila.
• The only reason alcohol is an important experimental substance is because you are supposed to drink it, then experiment.
• Everything is better with big booms.
• Make sure to always change or make up data when they do not agree with your expectations.
• Always transfer chemicals using your mouth as a pipette.
• If you spill acid on the table, make sure to use your partner’s lab coat to clean it up, preferably when they’re not looking.
• Wash your eyes in the chemicals used in the experiment and then fail to use to eyewash station.
• The purpose of distilled water bottles is to squirt water at others.
• If you’re not first, you’re last.
• If you can’t clean it, break it.
• If you can’t break it, eat it.
• If you can’t eat it, force someone else to eat it or light it on fire.
• If you get over 100% yield sneeze until it’s a reasonable weight.
• Don’t let modesty make the injury worse, take off all your clothes

Stuff you should do in chemistry lessons

• Throw up a LAN host of Slayer, Chill Out, first to 25, neutral host, on Halo PC. Be sure to be playing even when the Good Dr. is behind you and can see your screen – he won’t care.
• Steal people’s weekend exercises.
• Mix every chemical in the lab into a pot and light it (if its not already on fire).
• Juggle large blocks of dry ice (you thought normal ice was hard).
• If short on blankets at your residence, the fire blankets are very comfortable and freely available.
• Cause as much random senseless destruction as possible, then blame the teacher.
• Show up with bags of fertilizer and diesel fuel and express an intense interest in government buildings (Science project???).
• Not satisfied with your grade? Report your teacher to your local counter-terrorist unit as a bomb maker.
• Still not happy your teacher was released 3 years later? Plant evidence and repeat.
• Create a forum account for your teacher on Al Jazeera’s website just for kicks.
• Keep packets of artificial sweetener in your lab coat at all times. Every compound in organic chemistry is a white powder, and you never know when you will accidentally spill the chemical you were working with down your lab-partner’s clothes.
• Ask the teacher if you can thermite your old cell phone.
• If the teacher says that you cannot thermite your old cell phone, hit her head on the lab table and submerge it in acid
• Or, failing that, too, convert everything to gophers.
• Use a scale to balance equations.

Example of an Ionic Equation

As3+ + Ta2- + B2- + Rd+ -> BAsTaRd

Arsenic forms with Tantalum, which fuses with Boron (and Radium is somehow involved) to make Boroarseneradotantalum.

Branches

Branches of chemistry include:

• Organic chemistry, the study of mating (and entire orgies) of carbon atoms.
• Biochemistry, the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.
• Cognitive chemistry, the art of blowing up brain cells.
• People chemistry, to study which combinations of which people are explosive(.
• Pharmaceutical chemistry, blowing up bank accounts of old and sick people.
• Agricultural chemistry, the art of using fertilizer to blow up government buildings.
• Cosmetic chemistry, how pretending you are a soap factory can lead to bulk nitroglycerine manufacturing.
• Hollywood science, the study of ignoring the fact that frozen orange juice concentrate and petrol is a waste of orange juice and petrol, not an easy way of making napalm.
• Quantum chemistry, how ethanol parties opposing normative curvature explode producing incoherence and incompetence.
• Reaction stoichiometry, the most diabolical thing ever invented, in which the laws of mathematics no longer apply, and everything you know is wrong.
• Theoretical Chemistry, blowing up stuff on a computer.
• Frankenstein Chemistry, the study of resurrection of the dead and making em’ ‘have fun’ on electrodes.
• Chemical Esplosionology, the study of chemical explosives. Those in this field have identified Yoda as the inventor of Rdx.
• Mafubiism: the study of the god Mafubi and all his many forms. An all-encompassing term, it especially emphasizes explosions and death. And failure, as all Chemistry Gods must.
• Inorganic chemistry. Specifically designed tool to make the student discover the intricate and elite art of blaspheming.

How To Commit Suicide

Life got you down?

Girlfriend left you?

Got banned from your favorite public forum?

Why go on living with the gut wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself, also known as Suicide. With Suicide, you can just release all that pent up guilt and let your soul go free. Fail anything but don’t fail becoming a hero. Here’s everything that you will need to commit suicide successfully.

Disclaimer and Last Warning

By clicking on the link that brought you here, you have made a legally binding agreement that for whatever reason, you want your life ended or the knowledge on how to end it. This is not a guide against suicide, but to suicide. Some of the methods listed here may be more effective than others and some may be totally ineffective. Since you’ve waived your rights to any and all legal recourse, any choices you make about suicide pertaining to the methods listed in this article and any expected results are done entirely at your own risk.

If you still want someone to point you to the meaning of life,there are plenty of cults whose priests will eagerly feed you manufacturer approved thoughts so that you may make the most intelligent and balanced decision on what to make with your life.

Reasons to Commit Suicide

There are many reasons to commit suicide: girlfriend, life, chemistry,prospective girlfriend or any number of emo reasons. But you need specific reasons to commit suicide, if you just commit suicide for the hell of it, then it wouldn’t count. You’d just be doing so for your own enjoyment, selfish jerk. Some of the valid reasons to commit suicide are included in a convenient list for you below:

* Your boyfriend/girlfriend/mom left you.
* Your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend left you for your boyfriend/girlfriend
* You broke your favorite thing by playing with it too much (no pun)
* A grue is about to do the job for you.
* Your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/kitten is about to do the job for you.
* You got banned from Orkut/The Art of problrm solving forums for being an idiot.
* You just realized that life isn’t worth living. (See Previous)
* You wasted all your money on “I Love Saddam/Osma/Arjun Singh” commemorative plates
* You are emo and thus it is your duty to commit suicide

If you just kill yourself without following these reasons then you cannot set your soul free. Then again, if you just kill yourself it would be much faster and easier.

Methods of committing suicide

If you plan to do this, then you will need to know the various methods of committing suicide. These particular methods have been painstakingly researched and you will have a 99.997% chance that you will be dead. In addition, following these methods will change how people think of you. Some of them will think you are a maniac, others will think that you’re desperate, while a select few will realize that they love you but only once you’re dead. But whatever you do, just do it!

Method 1: Jumping Off

You will need:

• A good high building or cliff
• No regrets
• Optional: A cape

1. Locate a nice high building or cliff to jump off of.
2. Go to the top.
3. Jump.
4. Do a flip.
5. Rinse.
6. Repeat.
7. Die.

This method has a number of advantages. It’s simple. It’s dramatic. You can save on funeral costs and have yourself buried in a pizza box or ceremated on gas stove! On the other hand, if it’s raining, your clothes will get soaked and your body will just wash down the drain. Also, it’s just not terribly original. Dozens of people try to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge every year (but we will recommand you to jump off a nearby bridge). Boring. (Make sure to do the flip cause you never know, you might get a perfect ten.)

Method 2: Complete Exsanguination

You will need:

• A sharp object. Razors, scissors, broken glass, or biting criticism all work
• A rafter or other high support
• A Rope

1. Using the rope, tie your ankles together so that you are hanging from the rafters in a head-down posture.
2. Grasp the sharp object in your hand, and draw it swiftly across your neck. Be sure to cut deep enough so that you get all four major blood vessels.
3. Make a puddle on the floor. Or use a bucket for the Red Cross.
4. Admire your handiwork.

Anyone can kill themselves by slitting their wrists. A true artist goes for a complete exsanguination. For extra credit, tie your wrists to your ankles to complete the Long Pig allusion.

Method 3: Jumping off a Plane

You will need:

• Plane Ticket

1. Make a Skydiving Reservation
2. Ignore instructor during flight
3. Refuse parachute and jump to your death
4. Optional: Aim for pigeons as you plummet

For those of you that never liked to listen to directions, this is an obvious choice. You get to your goal and continue your longstanding tradition of ignoring the words of others.

Method 4: Car Death

You will need

• Nothing

1. Find a speeding car.
2. Wait until the car is in range.
3. Walk in front of the car and watch as the car hits you.
4. You’re dead, nothing to it.

This method is recommended for those people that loathe all the crass materialism involved with other suicide methods. Even the luxury of clothes is not needed in this method. Those Capitalist Pigs will rue the day your naked form destroys their precious sports car.

Method 5: Suicide Bombing

You will need

• Atomic bomb
• A location where someone carrying an atom bomb won’t look out of place. New York,New Delhi and Gurgaon are good for this: nothing looks out of place in at these places.
• Religious tract of your choice. The Kama Sutra is a particularly good option, but you could also try the Book of Common Prayer or the Analects

1. Walk to a suitable street corner. Street corners are the proper place to do anything important in New York,New Delhi and Gurgaon.
2. Set them up the bomb.
3. Yell something incomprehensible in a foreign language. Some possibilities are “MA BITE EST EN FEU !” or “9時から布団4枚!!!”
4. Generate a mushroom cloud.

If you’ve ever wanted to have your passing remembered, this is the method for you. However, it is wise to make sure that before you blow yourself up you make sure people know who you are. You don’t want someone else hogging all the glory, do you?

Method 5.5: Death via Painting in Water color

Painting in water color is an uncommon, but highly recommended method of committing suicide. Body fluids are an acceptable substitute for paints. You do not have to enjoy painting with water colors to use this method, but people who do often have a higher chance of success.

Method 6: Great White Shark

Here – read this. It’ll make the transition so much easier…

You will need

• A plane ticket to Hawaii, Australia, South Africa or other shark-infested waters
• boat
• string
• chum
• Peterson’s Field Guide To Sharks
• Life Jacket

1. Find shark-infested waters. The Great Barrier Reef is perfect, but Hawaii will do.
2. Rent a boat and head offshore into deep water. Make sure you pack a life preserver and a whistle in case of an emergency.
3. Pour some chum over yourself and a bucket’s worth into the water.
4. Wait for the fins to appear- this is important! If you get in the water before the sharks appear, you may die of hypothermia before you get eaten. And hypothermia never makes Page 1.
5. This is where the field guide comes in- you want to make sure it’s a great white that eats you. Death by blue shark just doesn’t sound as cool.
6. When you see a big one, hop right in.
7. The shark does the rest.

Imagine how jealous the parents of that other kid are going to be! They’ll open up the paper expecting a nice piece on little kid’s suicide, but his OD will be a tiny blurb in the corner. Meanwhile, you get front page with your suicide-by-shark! Nobody will even go to his funeral- his friends will all be like, “Yeah, it’s too bad. But this other dude- man, he got killed by a shark! I can’t wait to see that. I hear it’s open casket and you can see the bite marks and everything! I’m sorry to miss <insert your name here>’s wake, but how many times do you get to see a dude who’s been gnawed in half by a shark?”

Method 7: Human Science Fair Volcano

You will need

• Baking Soda, 4 boxes
• Vinegar

1. You’re going to need to down about four boxes of baking soda. That’s not easy, so you may want to try to make it more palatable by mixing it into a milkshake or something.
2. Get some shot glasses and pour ten shots of vinegar (hint: you may want to mix some red food coloring into the vinegar to color the “lava”).
3. Hold your nose and down them.
4. Now, remember that baking soda and vinegar volcano you made for the third grade science fair? That’s you in about ten seconds when the acid in the vinegar causes the baking soda to release carbon dioxide.

Variations: You can go for a Hawaiian volcano spewing-lava effect, or if you close your mouth really tight, you can get an explosive, Mount St. Helen’s kind of eruption going on.

This method is gruesome, excruciatingly painful, and dramatic. In short, the perfect suicide method. It’s not just suicidal, it’s also educational!

Method 8: Emotionally Disturbing Piano Wire Beheading

You will need

• Superglue
• Piano wire

1. Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place. Stand on top of it with lots of piano wire and some superglue.
2. Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 5 meters short of the ground to your ankles. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
3. Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 10 metres short of the ground in a lasso around your neck, so it can tighten when pulled. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
4. Glue your hand to your head.
5. Jump!

The result: at 10 meters from the ground, the piano wire around your neck will tighten and slice your head off. Your head will, however, not fall because it is stuck to your hand. You will be found dangling upside down 5 meters from the ground with your head stuck to your hand.

And a record 45,098 people have killed themselves after witnessing a piano-wire suicide. What a coincidence!

Method 9: Extreme Sexual Exhaustion

Self Explanatory

Method 10: Overkill

You will need

• Gun
• Piano wire/Good rope
• Portable pool
• Sharks
• Tall Building
• A friend

This method is for those who have actually failed at failing.

1. Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place.
2. Get to the roof. Remember, use the stairs, not the elevator. You don’t want to die from a faulty elevator!
3. Tie a noose around your neck, and secure it to the building. Make sure the rope extends to the bottom, so you hit the ground and still break your neck. Alternatively, you may use the piano wire method above.
4. Get a friend to position a pool at the bottom, and dump the sharks into it.
5. Load the gun, and stick it inside your mouth.
6. Jump!

What will happen: The rope should kill you, ripping your head off as you hit the bottom. If the rope breaks, the fall would still kill you. If THAT doesn’t work, you can still pull the trigger for the gun and blow your brains out. What? Still not dead? then the sharks will eat you. And if by some cruel twist of fate, you still don’t die, you’ll drown and be unable to escape, thanks to the broken legs from the fall. This is recommended for Emos who seem to be completely unable to kill themselves.

What Now Dude?

Nothing, you’re dead! IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS THEN YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, VERY VERY WRONG!!! Go back and try a different method.