How To Commit Suicide

Life got you down?

Girlfriend left you?

Got banned from your favorite public forum?

Why go on living with the gut wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself, also known as Suicide. With Suicide, you can just release all that pent up guilt and let your soul go free. Fail anything but don’t fail becoming a hero. Here’s everything that you will need to commit suicide successfully.

Disclaimer and Last Warning

By clicking on the link that brought you here, you have made a legally binding agreement that for whatever reason, you want your life ended or the knowledge on how to end it. This is not a guide against suicide, but to suicide. Some of the methods listed here may be more effective than others and some may be totally ineffective. Since you’ve waived your rights to any and all legal recourse, any choices you make about suicide pertaining to the methods listed in this article and any expected results are done entirely at your own risk.

If you still want someone to point you to the meaning of life,there are plenty of cults whose priests will eagerly feed you manufacturer approved thoughts so that you may make the most intelligent and balanced decision on what to make with your life.

Reasons to Commit Suicide

There are many reasons to commit suicide: girlfriend, life, chemistry,prospective girlfriend or any number of emo reasons. But you need specific reasons to commit suicide, if you just commit suicide for the hell of it, then it wouldn’t count. You’d just be doing so for your own enjoyment, selfish jerk. Some of the valid reasons to commit suicide are included in a convenient list for you below:

* Your boyfriend/girlfriend/mom left you.
* Your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend left you for your boyfriend/girlfriend
* You broke your favorite thing by playing with it too much (no pun)
* A grue is about to do the job for you.
* Your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/kitten is about to do the job for you.
* You got banned from Orkut/The Art of problrm solving forums for being an idiot.
* You just realized that life isn’t worth living. (See Previous)
* You wasted all your money on “I Love Saddam/Osma/Arjun Singh” commemorative plates
* You are emo and thus it is your duty to commit suicide

If you just kill yourself without following these reasons then you cannot set your soul free. Then again, if you just kill yourself it would be much faster and easier.

Methods of committing suicide

If you plan to do this, then you will need to know the various methods of committing suicide. These particular methods have been painstakingly researched and you will have a 99.997% chance that you will be dead. In addition, following these methods will change how people think of you. Some of them will think you are a maniac, others will think that you’re desperate, while a select few will realize that they love you but only once you’re dead. But whatever you do, just do it!

Method 1: Jumping Off

You will need:

• A good high building or cliff
• No regrets
• Optional: A cape

1. Locate a nice high building or cliff to jump off of.
2. Go to the top.
3. Jump.
4. Do a flip.
5. Rinse.
6. Repeat.
7. Die.

This method has a number of advantages. It’s simple. It’s dramatic. You can save on funeral costs and have yourself buried in a pizza box or ceremated on gas stove! On the other hand, if it’s raining, your clothes will get soaked and your body will just wash down the drain. Also, it’s just not terribly original. Dozens of people try to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge every year (but we will recommand you to jump off a nearby bridge). Boring. (Make sure to do the flip cause you never know, you might get a perfect ten.)

Method 2: Complete Exsanguination

You will need:

• A sharp object. Razors, scissors, broken glass, or biting criticism all work
• A rafter or other high support
• A Rope

1. Using the rope, tie your ankles together so that you are hanging from the rafters in a head-down posture.
2. Grasp the sharp object in your hand, and draw it swiftly across your neck. Be sure to cut deep enough so that you get all four major blood vessels.
3. Make a puddle on the floor. Or use a bucket for the Red Cross.
4. Admire your handiwork.

Anyone can kill themselves by slitting their wrists. A true artist goes for a complete exsanguination. For extra credit, tie your wrists to your ankles to complete the Long Pig allusion.

Method 3: Jumping off a Plane

You will need:

• Plane Ticket

1. Make a Skydiving Reservation
2. Ignore instructor during flight
3. Refuse parachute and jump to your death
4. Optional: Aim for pigeons as you plummet

For those of you that never liked to listen to directions, this is an obvious choice. You get to your goal and continue your longstanding tradition of ignoring the words of others.

Method 4: Car Death

You will need

• Nothing

1. Find a speeding car.
2. Wait until the car is in range.
3. Walk in front of the car and watch as the car hits you.
4. You’re dead, nothing to it.

This method is recommended for those people that loathe all the crass materialism involved with other suicide methods. Even the luxury of clothes is not needed in this method. Those Capitalist Pigs will rue the day your naked form destroys their precious sports car.

Method 5: Suicide Bombing

You will need

• Atomic bomb
• A location where someone carrying an atom bomb won’t look out of place. New York,New Delhi and Gurgaon are good for this: nothing looks out of place in at these places.
• Religious tract of your choice. The Kama Sutra is a particularly good option, but you could also try the Book of Common Prayer or the Analects

1. Walk to a suitable street corner. Street corners are the proper place to do anything important in New York,New Delhi and Gurgaon.
2. Set them up the bomb.
3. Yell something incomprehensible in a foreign language. Some possibilities are “MA BITE EST EN FEU !” or “9時から布団4枚!!!”
4. Generate a mushroom cloud.

If you’ve ever wanted to have your passing remembered, this is the method for you. However, it is wise to make sure that before you blow yourself up you make sure people know who you are. You don’t want someone else hogging all the glory, do you?

Method 5.5: Death via Painting in Water color

Painting in water color is an uncommon, but highly recommended method of committing suicide. Body fluids are an acceptable substitute for paints. You do not have to enjoy painting with water colors to use this method, but people who do often have a higher chance of success.

Method 6: Great White Shark

Here – read this. It’ll make the transition so much easier…

You will need

• A plane ticket to Hawaii, Australia, South Africa or other shark-infested waters
• boat
• string
• chum
• Peterson’s Field Guide To Sharks
• Life Jacket

1. Find shark-infested waters. The Great Barrier Reef is perfect, but Hawaii will do.
2. Rent a boat and head offshore into deep water. Make sure you pack a life preserver and a whistle in case of an emergency.
3. Pour some chum over yourself and a bucket’s worth into the water.
4. Wait for the fins to appear- this is important! If you get in the water before the sharks appear, you may die of hypothermia before you get eaten. And hypothermia never makes Page 1.
5. This is where the field guide comes in- you want to make sure it’s a great white that eats you. Death by blue shark just doesn’t sound as cool.
6. When you see a big one, hop right in.
7. The shark does the rest.

Imagine how jealous the parents of that other kid are going to be! They’ll open up the paper expecting a nice piece on little kid’s suicide, but his OD will be a tiny blurb in the corner. Meanwhile, you get front page with your suicide-by-shark! Nobody will even go to his funeral- his friends will all be like, “Yeah, it’s too bad. But this other dude- man, he got killed by a shark! I can’t wait to see that. I hear it’s open casket and you can see the bite marks and everything! I’m sorry to miss <insert your name here>’s wake, but how many times do you get to see a dude who’s been gnawed in half by a shark?”

Method 7: Human Science Fair Volcano

You will need

• Baking Soda, 4 boxes
• Vinegar

1. You’re going to need to down about four boxes of baking soda. That’s not easy, so you may want to try to make it more palatable by mixing it into a milkshake or something.
2. Get some shot glasses and pour ten shots of vinegar (hint: you may want to mix some red food coloring into the vinegar to color the “lava”).
3. Hold your nose and down them.
4. Now, remember that baking soda and vinegar volcano you made for the third grade science fair? That’s you in about ten seconds when the acid in the vinegar causes the baking soda to release carbon dioxide.

Variations: You can go for a Hawaiian volcano spewing-lava effect, or if you close your mouth really tight, you can get an explosive, Mount St. Helen’s kind of eruption going on.

This method is gruesome, excruciatingly painful, and dramatic. In short, the perfect suicide method. It’s not just suicidal, it’s also educational!

Method 8: Emotionally Disturbing Piano Wire Beheading

You will need

• Superglue
• Piano wire

1. Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place. Stand on top of it with lots of piano wire and some superglue.
2. Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 5 meters short of the ground to your ankles. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
3. Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 10 metres short of the ground in a lasso around your neck, so it can tighten when pulled. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
4. Glue your hand to your head.
5. Jump!

The result: at 10 meters from the ground, the piano wire around your neck will tighten and slice your head off. Your head will, however, not fall because it is stuck to your hand. You will be found dangling upside down 5 meters from the ground with your head stuck to your hand.

And a record 45,098 people have killed themselves after witnessing a piano-wire suicide. What a coincidence!

Method 9: Extreme Sexual Exhaustion

Self Explanatory

Method 10: Overkill

You will need

• Gun
• Piano wire/Good rope
• Portable pool
• Sharks
• Tall Building
• A friend

This method is for those who have actually failed at failing.

1. Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place.
2. Get to the roof. Remember, use the stairs, not the elevator. You don’t want to die from a faulty elevator!
3. Tie a noose around your neck, and secure it to the building. Make sure the rope extends to the bottom, so you hit the ground and still break your neck. Alternatively, you may use the piano wire method above.
4. Get a friend to position a pool at the bottom, and dump the sharks into it.
5. Load the gun, and stick it inside your mouth.
6. Jump!

What will happen: The rope should kill you, ripping your head off as you hit the bottom. If the rope breaks, the fall would still kill you. If THAT doesn’t work, you can still pull the trigger for the gun and blow your brains out. What? Still not dead? then the sharks will eat you. And if by some cruel twist of fate, you still don’t die, you’ll drown and be unable to escape, thanks to the broken legs from the fall. This is recommended for Emos who seem to be completely unable to kill themselves.

What Now Dude?

Nothing, you’re dead! IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS THEN YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, VERY VERY WRONG!!! Go back and try a different method.

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