Not only does the car need to be crashed…but your stepdad(hereafter referred to as dad) completely deserves this! Here are some simple steps, plus alternate plans, to assure maximum crashedness from your dad’s Corvette.

About Your Dad

Your dad is a regular guy. He works all day, comes home at night. Likes to relax with a bucket of bourbon. He hates his job and hopes you grow up just like him.

And, he’s always complaining about money.

Last Diwali/Holi/Christmas, your dad bought you some socks and an old tennis ball. He said times were hard, and he couldn’t afford to get you anything better. Maybe for your birthday.

For your birthday, he got you a dead rat and a half-empty box of toothpicks. He called it a theme birthday, and complained some more about money being tight.

You fell for it.

Your dad’s new Corvette. Start planning revenge!

About the Corvette

A few months ago, after your mom left, your dad started acting all weird around the other moms in town. He started talking about the girls at work. He spent a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Three weeks ago he bought a brand new Corvette Z06, cherry red. And a hair piece.

This is a sweet ride. It looks fast, even when it’s parked. The best in American milk – it’s fast, loud and burns through petrol like a wildfire through a prairie.

Its engine is a 427 all aluminum, pushrod V8, 505 horsepower and 475 footpounds of torque, 10.9 compression ratio and overhead valves. It will do zero to 60 in 3.5 seconds.

Your dad spends all his spare time cleaning it, waxing it, driving it slowly through town, and blindingly fast down the highways. You’re not allowed to touch it, or even look at it for very long. You’ve been told you will never, ever be allowed to drive it.

The Basic Plan

Your Dad totally sucks! WTF? He gets a shiny red Corvette, and you get tube socks? He deserves anything that happens to him – and you can tell him the Sysops at XtraSanity say so! They’re so rich, they’ll gladly fight your lawsuit.

Stealing the car

After bragging to all your friends for the last week or so about how you’re going to crash your dad’s Vette, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. If you don’t have a driver’s license, don’t sweat it. You’re already going to be charged for auto theft, speeding, hit-and-run, disturbing the peace, and, depending on what you crash it into, maybe assault or even homicide. But, hey…it’s just a harmless prank, right?

Location

The keys. Your mission is clear.

It doesn’t really matter where he keeps the car. You live with him (or are forced to live with him alternate weekends) so find the keys. They should look like the house keys, but they’ll have a Corvette symbol on them.

Timing

The best time to crash your dad’s new Corvette will depend on two factors:

• Not getting caught
• Making sure he knows you did it

That second point is important, and up to you. If you’re a bit Emo and want him to know how pissed you are, just hang out with the demolished car after the deed. If you’re at all smart, you’ll make sure you have an alibi.

Taking all this into consideration, the best time to take the car would be when your dad is at work, in a pub or with a hooker.

If the Corvette does not look like this, you HAVE FAILED

Crashing the car

Now we get to the heart of the plan, and the most difficult. The basics are easy – start the car, put it in gear, drive into something bigger and less likely to move than the car (Or something that is likely to move, but in the opposite direction, such as an oncoming bus (see below)).

But the devil is in the details.

Assuming you can start the car, you’ll have to get it in gear. And not only first gear – the car is made of plastic, but we want it totalled, not just dented. If you’ve never driven a stick shift, go out and steal a few to practice on. When you can drive over the speed limit without the engine sounding like a hornet’s nest – you’re ready.

What to drive in to?

Most angst-ridden emo teenagers choose their own school to crash into. Unless you want to get caught, most experts would argue against this. Alternatives include: another high school, someone’s house, a random tree, or Rakhi Sawant.

Close, but it didn’t crash, now, did it?

Now, the actual crashing.

This is the part that separates the men from the boys, the leaders from the followers and most likely, your leg from your torso. Get in that brand new Corvette, bought with money that SHOULD have gone to buying you a Wii PS3 xBox 360 new computer porn and unspoiled food. Start it up. Feel the rumble of 400 horses that will never run again. Step on the clutch, shift into first, pull out into the street. Drive toward your target. Accelerate. Second gear. Faster! Third, fourth gear!! There it is, coming fast. Fifth gear – the engine is roaring with power!!! Your target, looming large. Don’t touch the steering wheel, or you’ll flip this thing like a cheap burger. Over 350 kms per hour. The world is a blur. All you see is your target, framed by the Corvette’s vibrating windshield….

Well, okay, this works, too.

Boom

It’s crashed. You’re showered with safety glass and surrounded by an airbag. You can’t feel your legs.

When you see your dad again, calmly tell him how he should spend the insurance money.

The Backup Plan

Just in case The Basic Plan didn’t work (or it did, but now your step-dad bought a new Corvette) here is The Backup Plan.

For this plan to work, make sure you are in an action movie. Be sure to check How To Survive a Horror Movie(Will Be Here Soon) to see if you are.

Once you know you’re in an action movie (and not some romantic comedy crap) your plan is simple. Leave your dad’s Corvette in an intersection through which the bad guy will be chasing the good guy. One of them will have a Hummer or a truck or a locomotive, so the ‘vette can be considered toast.

The Backup Backup Plan

This also may work too

Assuming you’re not in an action movie (and who has time for those any more?) and can’t find a way to steal the car, you’ll have to go with Plan C. This is Plan C:

Plan C: Crash Something Into Your Dad’s New Corvette

By reversing the original plan, this plan leaves somewhat more to the imagination. As such it should be perfect for artists, musicians (even drummers) and other creative types. Please note that this is NOT Russian Reversal. We’re crashing a Corvette, not a Yugo!

Step One: Choose the Crashing Object

In Step One, we’ll choose the crashing object. If this is to be a rush job, another car might be the perfect choice. Find out where your dad parked his ‘Vette, and drive someone else’s car into it. See the first section for details. Any car will do, as Corvettes are mostly plastic.

If a car won’t work, or you can’t find one, or you’re only a meter tall, you’ll need to find something else. A few ideas:

• Large Boulder – One of these will completely smash a Corvette. Find one as big as you are, and you can take out the garage, house and most of your neighbors. You’ll have trouble moving it, but the results will be spectacular! The Evening News will feature it…maybe even XtraSanity!
• Small Cat – Not much damage to the car, but easy to move. If you lower your expectations from “crash the car” to “make the car really smelly with ruined upholstery” this might be the solution for you! Lock a cat in the car overnight…or for a few weeks if possible…and watch the fun. It’s a good idea to throw in some mice. This makes the cat go a lot more berzerk and it also makes sure the poor thing doesn’t starve.
• Rakhi Sawant- Lot’s of crash potential here, just look at her music videos! The main problem will be to get Rakhi to run fast enough into your dad’s new Corvette to do any real damage. The age old trick of telling Rakhi that there are media people in the car will not work! Too many people have tried that for her to fall for it again. You’ll have to get her into the area by telling her there’s a TV Producer in your back yard. Once she’s down the block, scream out, “Rakhi! There’s a naked lesbian in that red Corvette, and she’s covered with money!” The resulting collision should be heard for miles.
• Meteor – This one might take some time, but with enough patience and enough praying to God, you might just be able to make the big guy send one crashing down onto your dad’s car. Alternately, if you’re atheist, you might be able to call in a favor or two from Sephiroth. It’s a good idea to place the car either in the middle of nowhere or in a place you don’t like, because all that’s going to be left is a smoldering crater.
• Tornado – Slightly easier than finding a meteor, just park the car in a trailer park and let nature take its course.
• KrAZ army truck – This’ll tear through the Corvette for sure, but the only problem is that you need to either go to Ukraine & get one or have it shipped over, which will take some time. Once you get one though, just hit the gas & head straight for the ‘Vette! If you’re lucky, you might even crush the ‘Vette due to the KrAZ’s HUGE off-road tires & HUGE ground clearance!
• Calculator – The use of a calculator to destroy a car is both extremely obscure and blindingly obvious. All you do it put it in the car, press any number (you can do something like 666 or 13 if you want), then press ÷, then 0, and then =. It should start to shake uncontrollably. You have about thirty seconds to run like the dickens before it explodes. It is recommended you bring along something really fast to get away (Preferably a Nissan Skyline GT-R or Porsche Carrera GT). No, the corvette does not work.
• Lamborghini – Crashing one of those in your dad’s Corvette will instantly destroy both cars because of some random general madness theory. So if your brother bought a new lamborghini, steal it and use it.
• Nuke – Nothing wrong about dropping a nuke on your dad’s corvette. However, there are little side effects. It will mostly blow your house and all the far surroundings of the corvette, and that includes you. And there are also nasty things called radiations that might pop out of the nuke+corvette combo.

Step Two: Plan the Crash

Each of the above Crashing Objects will inspire its own plan. It will do no good to substitute Rakhi Sawant for the cat, for instance. She’ll just tear up the upholstery and smell up the interior after a few days.

Ditto with the boulder.

Other Ideas

Is this your dad?Is this a corvette?Your putting pictures here for no reasons

*Explosives Just get a bomb design off the internet. Make sure you perfect it so it wont fire on its own or while your holding it. Make sure you drive the corvette in a park or some open area with as few people as possible. If you set the bomb in the corvette off while its in the house, you might kill your father and who wants to not be arrested and know that your father didn’t know what hit him. It doesn’t take a college nerd to make a bomb.

• Lighter Fluid This is a simple one. Take the car and drive it onto the street. Douse it with fuel and set it on fire. Then run like hell. Maybe a sticky note around the crime scene with a smily face and your signature will be enough to make your father know.

• Ditch It Just steal it and leave it somewhere like the ghetto or sell it to the black market. Sell it to your long lost uncle in the tropics for 5000 bucks. Its simple but in this case your going to get a brand new WII!

• Beat It With this technique, you may use your freinds for this one. Steal some of your dads hard earned money to buy crowbars. Drive it in some alley in the city and beat it till its the size of a compact car. You may want to put this on camera and put it on you-tube. Its a win-win situation where you become a you-tube celebrity and now you work as a bar tender in the Bahamas with a new name constantly proud of what you done.

Life got you down?

Girlfriend left you?

Got banned from your favorite public forum?

Why go on living with the gut wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself, also known as Suicide. With Suicide, you can just release all that pent up guilt and let your soul go free. Fail anything but don’t fail becoming a hero. Here’s everything that you will need to commit suicide successfully.

Disclaimer and Last Warning

By clicking on the link that brought you here, you have made a legally binding agreement that for whatever reason, you want your life ended or the knowledge on how to end it. This is not a guide against suicide, but to suicide. Some of the methods listed here may be more effective than others and some may be totally ineffective. Since you’ve waived your rights to any and all legal recourse, any choices you make about suicide pertaining to the methods listed in this article and any expected results are done entirely at your own risk.

If you still want someone to point you to the meaning of life,there are plenty of cults whose priests will eagerly feed you manufacturer approved thoughts so that you may make the most intelligent and balanced decision on what to make with your life.

Reasons to Commit Suicide

There are many reasons to commit suicide: girlfriend, life, chemistry,prospective girlfriend or any number of emo reasons. But you need specific reasons to commit suicide, if you just commit suicide for the hell of it, then it wouldn’t count. You’d just be doing so for your own enjoyment, selfish jerk. Some of the valid reasons to commit suicide are included in a convenient list for you below:

* Your boyfriend/girlfriend/mom left you.
* Your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend left you for your boyfriend/girlfriend
* You broke your favorite thing by playing with it too much (no pun)
* A grue is about to do the job for you.
* Your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/kitten is about to do the job for you.
* You got banned from Orkut/The Art of problrm solving forums for being an idiot.
* You just realized that life isn’t worth living. (See Previous)
* You wasted all your money on “I Love Saddam/Osma/Arjun Singh” commemorative plates
* You are emo and thus it is your duty to commit suicide

If you just kill yourself without following these reasons then you cannot set your soul free. Then again, if you just kill yourself it would be much faster and easier.

Methods of committing suicide

If you plan to do this, then you will need to know the various methods of committing suicide. These particular methods have been painstakingly researched and you will have a 99.997% chance that you will be dead. In addition, following these methods will change how people think of you. Some of them will think you are a maniac, others will think that you’re desperate, while a select few will realize that they love you but only once you’re dead. But whatever you do, just do it!

Method 1: Jumping Off

You will need:

• A good high building or cliff
• No regrets
• Optional: A cape

1. Locate a nice high building or cliff to jump off of.
2. Go to the top.
3. Jump.
4. Do a flip.
5. Rinse.
6. Repeat.
7. Die.

This method has a number of advantages. It’s simple. It’s dramatic. You can save on funeral costs and have yourself buried in a pizza box or ceremated on gas stove! On the other hand, if it’s raining, your clothes will get soaked and your body will just wash down the drain. Also, it’s just not terribly original. Dozens of people try to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge every year (but we will recommand you to jump off a nearby bridge). Boring. (Make sure to do the flip cause you never know, you might get a perfect ten.)

Method 2: Complete Exsanguination

You will need:

• A sharp object. Razors, scissors, broken glass, or biting criticism all work
• A rafter or other high support
• A Rope

1. Using the rope, tie your ankles together so that you are hanging from the rafters in a head-down posture.
2. Grasp the sharp object in your hand, and draw it swiftly across your neck. Be sure to cut deep enough so that you get all four major blood vessels.
3. Make a puddle on the floor. Or use a bucket for the Red Cross.
4. Admire your handiwork.

Anyone can kill themselves by slitting their wrists. A true artist goes for a complete exsanguination. For extra credit, tie your wrists to your ankles to complete the Long Pig allusion.

Method 3: Jumping off a Plane

You will need:

• Plane Ticket

1. Make a Skydiving Reservation
2. Ignore instructor during flight
3. Refuse parachute and jump to your death
4. Optional: Aim for pigeons as you plummet

For those of you that never liked to listen to directions, this is an obvious choice. You get to your goal and continue your longstanding tradition of ignoring the words of others.

Method 4: Car Death

You will need

• Nothing

1. Find a speeding car.
2. Wait until the car is in range.
3. Walk in front of the car and watch as the car hits you.
4. You’re dead, nothing to it.

This method is recommended for those people that loathe all the crass materialism involved with other suicide methods. Even the luxury of clothes is not needed in this method. Those Capitalist Pigs will rue the day your naked form destroys their precious sports car.

Method 5: Suicide Bombing

You will need

• Atomic bomb
• A location where someone carrying an atom bomb won’t look out of place. New York,New Delhi and Gurgaon are good for this: nothing looks out of place in at these places.
• Religious tract of your choice. The Kama Sutra is a particularly good option, but you could also try the Book of Common Prayer or the Analects

1. Walk to a suitable street corner. Street corners are the proper place to do anything important in New York,New Delhi and Gurgaon.
2. Set them up the bomb.
3. Yell something incomprehensible in a foreign language. Some possibilities are “MA BITE EST EN FEU !” or “9時から布団4枚!!!”
4. Generate a mushroom cloud.

If you’ve ever wanted to have your passing remembered, this is the method for you. However, it is wise to make sure that before you blow yourself up you make sure people know who you are. You don’t want someone else hogging all the glory, do you?

Method 5.5: Death via Painting in Water color

Painting in water color is an uncommon, but highly recommended method of committing suicide. Body fluids are an acceptable substitute for paints. You do not have to enjoy painting with water colors to use this method, but people who do often have a higher chance of success.

Method 6: Great White Shark

Here – read this. It’ll make the transition so much easier…

You will need

• A plane ticket to Hawaii, Australia, South Africa or other shark-infested waters
• boat
• string
• chum
• Peterson’s Field Guide To Sharks
• Life Jacket

1. Find shark-infested waters. The Great Barrier Reef is perfect, but Hawaii will do.
2. Rent a boat and head offshore into deep water. Make sure you pack a life preserver and a whistle in case of an emergency.
3. Pour some chum over yourself and a bucket’s worth into the water.
4. Wait for the fins to appear- this is important! If you get in the water before the sharks appear, you may die of hypothermia before you get eaten. And hypothermia never makes Page 1.
5. This is where the field guide comes in- you want to make sure it’s a great white that eats you. Death by blue shark just doesn’t sound as cool.
6. When you see a big one, hop right in.
7. The shark does the rest.

Imagine how jealous the parents of that other kid are going to be! They’ll open up the paper expecting a nice piece on little kid’s suicide, but his OD will be a tiny blurb in the corner. Meanwhile, you get front page with your suicide-by-shark! Nobody will even go to his funeral- his friends will all be like, “Yeah, it’s too bad. But this other dude- man, he got killed by a shark! I can’t wait to see that. I hear it’s open casket and you can see the bite marks and everything! I’m sorry to miss <insert your name here>’s wake, but how many times do you get to see a dude who’s been gnawed in half by a shark?”

Method 7: Human Science Fair Volcano

You will need

• Baking Soda, 4 boxes
• Vinegar

1. You’re going to need to down about four boxes of baking soda. That’s not easy, so you may want to try to make it more palatable by mixing it into a milkshake or something.
2. Get some shot glasses and pour ten shots of vinegar (hint: you may want to mix some red food coloring into the vinegar to color the “lava”).
3. Hold your nose and down them.
4. Now, remember that baking soda and vinegar volcano you made for the third grade science fair? That’s you in about ten seconds when the acid in the vinegar causes the baking soda to release carbon dioxide.

Variations: You can go for a Hawaiian volcano spewing-lava effect, or if you close your mouth really tight, you can get an explosive, Mount St. Helen’s kind of eruption going on.

This method is gruesome, excruciatingly painful, and dramatic. In short, the perfect suicide method. It’s not just suicidal, it’s also educational!

Method 8: Emotionally Disturbing Piano Wire Beheading

You will need

• Superglue
• Piano wire

1. Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place. Stand on top of it with lots of piano wire and some superglue.
2. Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 5 meters short of the ground to your ankles. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
3. Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 10 metres short of the ground in a lasso around your neck, so it can tighten when pulled. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
4. Glue your hand to your head.
5. Jump!

The result: at 10 meters from the ground, the piano wire around your neck will tighten and slice your head off. Your head will, however, not fall because it is stuck to your hand. You will be found dangling upside down 5 meters from the ground with your head stuck to your hand.

And a record 45,098 people have killed themselves after witnessing a piano-wire suicide. What a coincidence!

Method 9: Extreme Sexual Exhaustion

Self Explanatory

Method 10: Overkill

You will need

• Gun
• Piano wire/Good rope
• Portable pool
• Sharks
• Tall Building
• A friend

This method is for those who have actually failed at failing.

1. Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place.
2. Get to the roof. Remember, use the stairs, not the elevator. You don’t want to die from a faulty elevator!
3. Tie a noose around your neck, and secure it to the building. Make sure the rope extends to the bottom, so you hit the ground and still break your neck. Alternatively, you may use the piano wire method above.
4. Get a friend to position a pool at the bottom, and dump the sharks into it.
5. Load the gun, and stick it inside your mouth.
6. Jump!

What will happen: The rope should kill you, ripping your head off as you hit the bottom. If the rope breaks, the fall would still kill you. If THAT doesn’t work, you can still pull the trigger for the gun and blow your brains out. What? Still not dead? then the sharks will eat you. And if by some cruel twist of fate, you still don’t die, you’ll drown and be unable to escape, thanks to the broken legs from the fall. This is recommended for Emos who seem to be completely unable to kill themselves.

What Now Dude?

Nothing, you’re dead! IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS THEN YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, VERY VERY WRONG!!! Go back and try a different method.