Chemistry (the study of dumbing down physics) was first invented by Sir Francis Chemistry, in 1625, along with stockings for men, bikini waxing and the electric centipede. Chemistry derived from the science of cooking. The first modern chemist was Alfred Nobel, whose edible dynamite (an early and futile design) started the whole discipline. Even today, though modern chemistry is considered a branch of alchemy (the science of randomly mixing anything together, like cats and cheese sandwiches, in the vain hope ok making the element of Gold, or even better, the fabled element of Surprise), much of chemistry taught in schools is simply cooking (with explosive cats) and some older text books even refer to the subject as ‘ye olde theoreticale cookinge’. Some experts, however, disagree, as recorded in the famous 847CE publication of Phlogging the Phlogiston, by Marcus Arrhenius Berzelius, famed Stoic and composer of the Classical classic Harold in Italy. These experts argue that, in fact, Chemistry is not about alchemy at all [i.e.; nascent chemistry] at all, but instead, as the French put it, le seul sexe que je vais avoir ce soir. Since it’s French, no one really cares anyway. Chemistry made huge advances when Steven Spielberg noted that movies containing big booms did better in the box office than movies with small booms or none at all. After some initial success along these lines, chemistry became the subject of an unsuccessful hostile takeover bid by Physics. It must be noted, however, that although Chemistry provides far more ways, especially for the amateur truck driver, to blow things up, Physics stuck it in poor Chemistry’s eye with its accomplishments at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Rules of the lab

Due to the high explosion content in chemistry labs, chemists have a strict set of rules that must be adhered to while in the lab.

• Mix, shake, explode!
• If you don’t know what you are doing, do it anyway.
• Avogadro’s number works for everything – it’s magic!
• When in doubt, convert everything to moles.
• If you can not convert to moles, convert everything into gophers.
• If you need a straight line plot, use only two data points.
• When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
• Most chemicals can be distinguished by taste, or by huffing them.
• In case of prolonged exposure to water, treat exposed area with concentrated hydrochloric acid, then rinse with sulfuric acid.
• Dry ice should be held firmly at all times, without gloves of any kind.
• Experiments must be reproducible. They should fail the same way each time.
• First draw your curves, then plot your data.
• Warning labels are for pussies.
• If you can’t get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
• In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
• Do not believe in miracles – rely on them.
• Liquid nitrogen is to be thrown at other people.
• The glasses and coat really do make you look awesome. Wear them to increase your sex appeal.
• The answer to number 2 is D.
• When unsure of what to do, just throw chemicals together until something explodes.
• Team work is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
• No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
• Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
• All unmarked beakers contain highly toxic, fast-acting poisons.
• If you hear an explosion, first check your pants.
• If you find something in your pants wash it out quickly with highly concentrated bleach to avoid the ridicule of other chemists.
• Look to political science or the temple for help when you are stuck on a problem (good luck).
• After heating a substance, touch it to make sure it’s cooled down.
• Do something stupid ONLY when the teacher is watching.
• Remember, open flames are the safest flames.
• For unknown substances, always rely on the three T’s: touch, taste, and tequila.
• The only reason alcohol is an important experimental substance is because you are supposed to drink it, then experiment.
• Everything is better with big booms.
• Make sure to always change or make up data when they do not agree with your expectations.
• Always transfer chemicals using your mouth as a pipette.
• If you spill acid on the table, make sure to use your partner’s lab coat to clean it up, preferably when they’re not looking.
• Wash your eyes in the chemicals used in the experiment and then fail to use to eyewash station.
• The purpose of distilled water bottles is to squirt water at others.
• If you’re not first, you’re last.
• If you can’t clean it, break it.
• If you can’t break it, eat it.
• If you can’t eat it, force someone else to eat it or light it on fire.
• If you get over 100% yield sneeze until it’s a reasonable weight.
• Don’t let modesty make the injury worse, take off all your clothes

Stuff you should do in chemistry lessons

• Throw up a LAN host of Slayer, Chill Out, first to 25, neutral host, on Halo PC. Be sure to be playing even when the Good Dr. is behind you and can see your screen – he won’t care.
• Steal people’s weekend exercises.
• Mix every chemical in the lab into a pot and light it (if its not already on fire).
• Juggle large blocks of dry ice (you thought normal ice was hard).
• If short on blankets at your residence, the fire blankets are very comfortable and freely available.
• Cause as much random senseless destruction as possible, then blame the teacher.
• Show up with bags of fertilizer and diesel fuel and express an intense interest in government buildings (Science project???).
• Not satisfied with your grade? Report your teacher to your local counter-terrorist unit as a bomb maker.
• Still not happy your teacher was released 3 years later? Plant evidence and repeat.
• Create a forum account for your teacher on Al Jazeera’s website just for kicks.
• Keep packets of artificial sweetener in your lab coat at all times. Every compound in organic chemistry is a white powder, and you never know when you will accidentally spill the chemical you were working with down your lab-partner’s clothes.
• Ask the teacher if you can thermite your old cell phone.
• If the teacher says that you cannot thermite your old cell phone, hit her head on the lab table and submerge it in acid
• Or, failing that, too, convert everything to gophers.
• Use a scale to balance equations.

Example of an Ionic Equation

As3+ + Ta2- + B2- + Rd+ -> BAsTaRd

Arsenic forms with Tantalum, which fuses with Boron (and Radium is somehow involved) to make Boroarseneradotantalum.

Branches

Branches of chemistry include:

• Organic chemistry, the study of mating (and entire orgies) of carbon atoms.
• Biochemistry, the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.
• Cognitive chemistry, the art of blowing up brain cells.
• People chemistry, to study which combinations of which people are explosive(.
• Pharmaceutical chemistry, blowing up bank accounts of old and sick people.
• Agricultural chemistry, the art of using fertilizer to blow up government buildings.
• Cosmetic chemistry, how pretending you are a soap factory can lead to bulk nitroglycerine manufacturing.
• Hollywood science, the study of ignoring the fact that frozen orange juice concentrate and petrol is a waste of orange juice and petrol, not an easy way of making napalm.
• Quantum chemistry, how ethanol parties opposing normative curvature explode producing incoherence and incompetence.
• Reaction stoichiometry, the most diabolical thing ever invented, in which the laws of mathematics no longer apply, and everything you know is wrong.
• Theoretical Chemistry, blowing up stuff on a computer.
• Frankenstein Chemistry, the study of resurrection of the dead and making em’ ‘have fun’ on electrodes.
• Chemical Esplosionology, the study of chemical explosives. Those in this field have identified Yoda as the inventor of Rdx.
• Mafubiism: the study of the god Mafubi and all his many forms. An all-encompassing term, it especially emphasizes explosions and death. And failure, as all Chemistry Gods must.
• Inorganic chemistry. Specifically designed tool to make the student discover the intricate and elite art of blaspheming.