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The famous Time Magazine cover.

“LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!”

~ A "Tear Eyed" Chris Crocker on Britney Spears

“Britney...who?”

~ Egyptians on Britney Spears

Brittanica “Britney” Spears is a talented American entertainer. Her seductive voice and charming looks infuse her art with true aesthetics. Through her music, Britney communicates messages and feelings powerfully, boldly and convincingly. She has a special gift for energizing, empowering and inspiring the person experiencing her art, so that this person feels involved in the artistic process. Britney’s performances are thrilling invitations to a shared emotion, and you can feel her personality immediately next to you with all its multi-layered charm and sophisticated sweetness. Britney’s eyes and lips radiate enchanting sincerity and touching warmth which she generously shares with every admirer of her art.

The Finding

After the demise of the The Spice Girls, media bosses agreed that the next big thing should be a ‘Relatively Talentless Wholesome All-American Girl Who Says She is a Virgin While Displaying the Morals of a Call Girl in Las Vegas at 3 AM’. However, the Leaders were in a panic as to where they could find such a creature. After scouring America tirelessly for months on end, they stumbled upon a goldmine in the state of Canadia: Britney Can’t Touch These Spears. Rumour has it that Spears has her own spear. Also she has speared Bill Gates, John Howard and Gandhi. One thing that we know is she’s afraid of stairs.

The Early Spears

Britney had a brief romance with Seinfeld’s Jason Alexander. She is shown here partially embedded in his right leg due to a quantum anomaly.(circa 1981)

After a brief stint in gymnastics in her native Louisiana, Britney made a very difficult decision with the help of her mother, a.k.a Attila the Mom. Instead of focusing on her very promising talent as a preteen gymnast, she decided instead to focus on her lack of talent in singing, acting, and trying to live the thug life. Along with Justin Timberlake, she became part of The New Mickey Mouse League, which was based on the World War II Hitler Youth Program. This was an attempt to bombard America with preteen entertainment that was so incredibly lame that it would numb their brains. This would then leave them unable to think, which left them easy prey for hypnotist Karl Rove, who convinced them to vote for his animatronic Disney puppet George W. Bush.

She left the show to focus on her singing and dancing. In a move to turn the younger generation against those pesky lesbian feminists, top lyricists, stylists and publicists were employed by the patriarchal Sony to create the song ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ and the corresponding film clip directed by Stanley Kubrick, with Britney performing both. The message was successful, with millions of preteen and teenage girls around the world making sexual objects out of themselves in school uniform, and millions of preteen and teenage boys smiling strangely and drinking lots of Coke, after which they would head down to the nearest preschool to bitch-slap as many toddlers as they could find. This pleased Sony greatly, and Britney’s contract was extended.

Downfall

Britney Seducing Bush to drain his soul, after which she said, “Invade Iraq Now Because I Say So!”.

Unfortunately, as the new millennium settled in, things began to go sour. The company was losing money, and Britney had hit post-adolescence and felt the need to have dominating sex as a way of furthering her career. Hello Kitty was rehired as stylist and Kevin Bacon was brought in to give Britney a new look, one that included bondage items and bigger fake breasts. Unfortunately, the lack of clothes did not make up for lack of sales (the advance of the internet meant that teenage boys could look up Brit pr0n without having to buy her discs, and Justin Timberlake had already been seen naked with Tom Cruise). Things were looking grim.

The Requisite Re-Rise To Fame

Not only was Britney’s career in shambles, but her love life was too, after a string of boyfriends were found dead with 27 self-inflicted stab wounds and their brains missing. Sony needed to upgrade her to a classier image, and fast. And lo! The knight in shining armour, otherwise known as Cletus McKFed, galloped in valiantly, resplendent in his baseball cap, baggy shorts, socks, sandals, and a body odour that could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. The relationship, coupled with the release of a greatest hits album and the prospect of a celebrity wedding, fueled Britney’s popularity with the media to heights known not before. Britney then became the eye of the media with her biggest talent EVER: getting knocked up and dropping babies.

The Birth of Brit-Brit

It was within such a relationship that Britney really grew comfortable with herself. She discovered the joys of activities such as: wearing clothes so alluring that they’d make a bishop kick out a stained glass window; being photographed with (speculative) face cream still drying on her face; shoving her bare feet in paparazzi lenses; putting teenage boys on leashes; smoking excessively; and consuming unbelievable amounts of  Coke, as well as Cheetos and other deep-fried foods. Husband Kevin supported such self-discovery, as he supported his free access to Britney’s cheque book. After many months of eating for two, Britney finally produced a baby of sorts, which she immediately handed to her mother and sister to take care of so that she could resume smoking.

The Collected Text Messages

On 24th April 2006, MIT and CalTech Yale University announced one of its most ambitious projects to date, a proposed plan to produce a new 26-volume critical, authoritative, scholarly edition of the text messages of Britney Spears, to replace the original Princeton Edition, which has since become outdated. The project is expected to take at least 40 years to complete and will require the devotion of the complete staff of Yale’s language and literature department, who said in a recent press release, “This is a monumental event in world-literature that will be studied for generations to come across the world.”.

The first volume (The Complete Text Messages of Britney Spears, Vol. 1) is set to be released worldwide in 2009. It will also contain an appendix of assorted Post-It Notes.

A Martian edition will be released in spring of 5022 in, of course, Mars.

The Peak of Britney’s Career

• Her pristine image was first tarnished when home movies and videos taken of her backstage antics as a preteen star on The New Mickey Mouse League were revealed. This were compiled with footage of The Olsen Twins and other preteen stars, and made into the film Preteen Slut VII: The Pedophile Trap.

Amazing what a bit of silicone and face paint can do!

Britney Speares as seen after she decided to become a terrorist. No wonder George W Bush thought she was so cute.

• There have been some rumors that Ms. Spears’ image has been augmented by plastic surgery on her just recently discovered *****, whom she secretly named Malcom X. You have to admit, Britney’s pears are too big to be real! While it is true that she did meet with plastic surgeon John Lennon, and paid his full fee for a complete top-to-bottom makeover, chances are all he really did was poof up her pubes a little and put some lipstick on her. In retaliation, Britney started cheating on Lennon and playing fun with Elvis (her Persian cat, that is). We will never know for sure; soon after the meeting, the surgeon was seen in public wearing a leash pulled by a smiling Britney. Soon after, the surgeon was found dead, with 27 stab wounds in the back and his brain missing from his skull. Initially ruled a homicide, Ms. Spears was called in as a suspect; however, after the interview with Britney and her two fathers, police as well as the local coronor stopped licking Britney’s feet long enough to rule the surgeon’s death a suicide. This is when Britney was inspired to write the number one hit “Viva Viagra”

I really don’t have to make a joke for this one.

Britney Spears after yet more cosmetic changes, denies she’s cashing in on growth in spending power of The Arsonal Secret Society(A.S.S.)

• More recently Britney Spears has begun to use Bhangra in her songs and rumours abound about a possible role in a Bollywood film.

• Also Britney Spears had several flaminal animals what caught on fire due to the flamible nature of flanel when exposed to a crack pipe.

• Ms. Spears’ anatomy is the work of evil genius Beau Scott who’s other life accomplishments include Angelina Jolie’s lips, Jennifer Lopez’s ass, and the M1A2 Tank’s size.

• Britney forgot to wear undergarments after spending $10,000 on Bikinis. Numerous photos were captured, revealing a semi-deformed body. Many men turned gay. the number of lesbians dropped a staggering 92.1%. However, the number of hermaphrodites increased because all straight men decided they wanted to grow breasts to be just like her.

• It has been suggested that Ms. Spears is the leader of an ancient evil secret organization known as the Priory of Simian. The group supposedly draws its power by draining the sinks of over 13 million self-absorbed, glassy eyed, desperately horny trannsvestites. The Ilumnaughty’s primary goals are world domination and a smooth complexion. Other notable (but unconfirmed) members include Hilary Duff, Rosie O’Donnell, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Cousin It, Carmen Electra, Ashlee Simpson and Jessica Simpson. Other Conspiracy Theorists maintain this is utter nonsense, and that the group actually draws power by draining the sacs of over 13 million self-absorbed, glassy eyed, desperately horny middle-aged men.

• Britney ate a ten year old girl’s toenail at a concert after the girl asked her if her balls were fake. The ten year parents sued Britney and the issue was resolved in under five seconds.

• For 10 weeks she went straight, the longest ever recorded on Google

• Appeared briefly in the relaunch of Crossroads thinking it was a Hollywood film, briefly married to Benny, Carlton TV couldn’t pay her enough though and as that was the only reason it kept going for a bit, it ended when she left – the high point was the fight scene with Jane Austen over top billing, it was real but Carlton needed the footage, after winning the fight she was briefly in charge of child pornography. She has now bought up the rights and plans a number of music vidoes including the motel of the series, of course though with gals and guys guyrating skimpily dressed with lots of leather and whips and hides of deceased dogs.

• Recently announced that she was going to be the first ever woman to marry every male in the world.

• After divorcing Fed-Ex, she was caught hitting a car with an umbrella because someone told her to put on some undergarments.

Divorce

Britney Spears doing a Public Service by taking a homeless man to submit his job application to McDonalds in 2005. He was not hired, but, she married him for a while.

On November 7, 2006, the world reacted with shock at the news that Britney had filed for divorce from Cletus McKfed. Britney had filed papers the day before, but it took a while for CNN to confirm whether or not this was the real Britney Spears.

“There were rumors all the time of their divorce. We weren't sure if it was real this time.”

~ Wolf Blitzer on the credibility of Britney Spears's divorce

“I just got tired of using him as a tool.”

~ Britney Spears on her recent divorce with Kevin Federline

On November 7, it was confirmed by the entire world that K-Fed had become Fed-Ex. Ironically, the ex-Mr. Spears is reportedly working for FedEx, which is weird considering he’s never worked a day in his life and never will.

Britney, meanwhile, decided to celebrate being single by demonstating her true upper-class status by hiring Paris Hilton to personally teach her to be slutty. Ms. Hilton’s lessons’ included flashing her bajingo the paparazzi, a trend which is increasinly popular among female celebrities. She then gained 150lbs, shaved her head, took some pills then checked into rehab. After leaving rehab the following morning, she went to Paris Hilton’s dog box and smoked some more weed, then went to Lindsay Lohan’s house and got plastered. She has been doing the same thing ever since. Together they co-ordinate their law breaking and other controversy, shaving their heads, holding barefoot Ladies Fight Club in petrol station toilets and exposing themselves in public. Amy Winehouse is reputed to have joined their club!

Little did Britney know, her children we soon to be taken from her evil clutches and given to their caring dad, FedEx. Both parents will now continue to insult and bitch slap each other despite the presence of people from parenting classes, which seems to be failing.

Future

Britney’s next comeback will be even…. bigger?

Britney’s last remaining fan.

Britney’s plans for her futures is mainly focused on marrying Michael Moore and doing another baby drop escapade along with kissing Audrey Hepburn thus to add to her long time wish of making out with a respected older woman. She then plans to release her new single Oops, I dropped her again. . Britney’s baby is reported to enter Prehab along with teen idols Lindsay Lohan and Dakota Fanning.

Britney caused a stir at the 2007 VMAs when she gave live birth during a stunning performance of “Gimmie More Press”. No one noticed that she was lip-syncing, nor did they notice the 8 lbs, 2 oz baby boy that fell out of her wet leather purse. However her incredibly sexual kiss with wildwoman Tipper Gore was highly critisized, some stating that she’s taken her act one step too far. Sources mention that concerned ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake and Andre the Giant begged her to stop hanging out with the dangerous party crowd.

After recently appearing in combat gear with a shaved head there has been major speculation that she is planning to appear on YouTube and myspace in catfights with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton in a buildup to a sequel to Fight Club staring Rocky. The movie is to be filmed in the psychopath from the Saw movies’ private warehouse.

Other possibilities include a remake of “Star Trek – The Motion Picture“, as the bald chick. To end the depression, Britney decided to pass the time with plastic surgery and binge eating As evidenced by the above picture. As a fan of Micheal Jackson, it was only natural for her to start the trend. “He looked so… sexy when he had no nose. I wanted to be just like him, unlike SOME people!” As she tears up a picture of her multi-named ex-husband. One month after the surgery, she makes her first public appearance, not realizing she was high and had rat-dung smeared over her face.

Studio albums (1990–present)

Year Title

1990 GodWeenSatan: The Oneness

1991 The Pod

1992 Pure Guava

1994 Chocolate & Cheese

1996 12 Golden Country Greats

1997 The Mollusk

1999 Craters of the Sac

2000 White Pepper

2003 Quebec

2005 Shinola, Vol. 1

2007 La Cucaracha